A Wink and a Smile

Kissiversary

2010-03-27T13:50:00.004-04:00

Today marks 19 years since the first time my hubby and I kissed. We were just friends then, and in fact, if memory serves, he had a girlfriend at the time (although they were in the process of breaking up). Despite all that, I can still remember the events of the day pretty clearly.

We were on spring break from high school (he was a senior, I was a junior) and he asked me to come over and hang out one afternoon. It was the first time I had ever been to his house, and I met his mom and sister that day. We went up to his bedroom, ostensibly to watch tv/play games, but once we got into his room, he shut the door, turned around, and started kissing me.

I remember that it felt both odd and yet comfortably familiar, as if this was something we always did. It was unexpected, and yet not. After a few minutes, I made him stop, but then a little while later, being the wanton hussy that I am, I encouraged him to do it again ;)

We didn't officially become a couple for another two and a half years after that, although we were pretty much "friends with benefits" from that point forward. I think one day I woke up and realized that I had been in love with him for a long time... it just took me a while to get there.

One-liners, gender, and other thoughts

2010-03-26T11:53:00.003-04:00

I feel like because I've been facebooking more than blogging recently, I can no longer write more than one or two lines at a time. Ideas pop into my head for stuff I want to write, but it's never much. For instance:

"The best thing about being pregnant after losing 120 lbs: no stretch marks thanks to all the extra skin!"

I don't have anything beyond that, just one line. Ah well.

In other news, we have our mid-pregnancy ultrasound scheduled for next week, and we may have the option of finding out the baby's gender. I'll admit that I'm curious, although the only real difference it makes to me is knowing which list of names I should concentrate on, and whether I should keep or get rid of the stash of baby girl clothes I've accumulated over the years or have my sister retrieve Jacob's baby clothes from her attic. But it seems like everyone around me is in a frenzy, needing to know right now what gender I'm having. I must get asked by the same people at least 3 or 4 times each week. It almost makes me NOT want to find out...

Wednesday wanderings

2010-03-10T15:48:00.003-05:00

Today our car was in the shop and I had an appointment with my acupuncturist at his new office, so between the subway ride and the office I was able to peruse a Philly neighborhood I haven't spent much time in -- Fairmount. It's very cute there, and if I lived there I could walk to both my school and to Whole Foods (which I did after my appointment and had a lovely lunch -- vegetarian sushi and a chocolate croissant! Yum!) Unfortunately, the houses there are very expensive... *sigh*

I think a lot about moving. I like my house, but as I've probably mentioned a million time in this blog, I really don't like our neighborhood. Matt's job requires us to live within the city limits, and although I like living in the city I don't appreciate the fact that his employer dictates where we can live. I would love to move across the bridge to New Jersey, where the homeschooling laws are better, but that will have to wait until I finish college and become the primary wage-earner (I can hardly wait!) In the meantime, there are some Philly neighborhoods I certainly wouldn't mind considering, like East Mount Airy. The thought of the actual act of moving, however... oy....

It's been a while...

2010-03-09T15:03:00.002-05:00

Almost a year since I posted anything here. Wow. And so much has changed since my last post!

Total weight loss to date is approximately 120 lbs. I still have about 30 more lbs I want to lose, but that will actually have to wait a while because I am pregnant.

Yes, it's true... after more than eight years of trying to get pregnant, then not trying, then trying to adopt, then not trying to adopt, then trying to get pregnant yet again, not getting pregnant, making peace with the idea of never having another biological child, and completing most of the paperwork necessary in order to pursue a domestic infant adoption, surprise! Without even trying, it happened. Weird.

It's been really difficult to wrap my head around. While I'm definitely happy to be having another child, it isn't the way I planned and so I've had to process a lot of different, conflicting emotions surrounding the whole thing. I have so many unanswerable questions in my brain all the time. Such as, why did my body decide to work NOW but not for the past 8+ years? (Even longer if you count the time I spent in infertility treatment for my first pregnancy). And, what about all the really hard work I did and money we spent on the adoption? Do we just discard that now?

As I've been driving myself slowly insane with all the wondering and questions, it has occurred to me that I process things best through writing. And so it's back to my blog I go, to try and sort through my thoughts in print rather than allow them to cloud my mind. I thought about starting a brand-new blog, since the things I'm dealing with now are vastly different than what I've blogged about in the past, but I don't know if I'll go that route or not. For now, I'm back here, and so far, it feels good :)

100

2009-02-26T14:05:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I've been claiming my 100-pound loss ever since I hit about 94 lbs lost. But now it's finally official. I never in a million years thought that I would be capable of something like this, and though I'm not usually one to brag about my own accomplishments, I have to say it feels pretty goddamn good.

To mark the milestone, I've written a list of things I've learned on the way to my 100-pound loss. (It was originally going to be a list of 100 things, but let's get real -- who can think of 100 things? and who has time to read all that?) Some of these are just personal observations, some are tips I've used and feel are worth repeating. Most of it could be taken as advice, even though I hate giving advice (because how can I possibly know what's right for anyone else? I have enough trouble keeping my own life in order! But when you lose 100 lbs, people start asking.)

So, without further ado...

If you can only do one type of exercise, do strength training (aka: weight training, resistance training, weight lifting). Building stronger muscles will improve your overall metabolism, so you'll use calories more efficiently even when you're not exercising (you'll burn fat in your sleep, dude.)

Baby steps. You can't go from being a total shlub to running marathons. Seriously -- I started working out for just 30 minutes, two times a week, and worked my way up from there. Now I hit the gym at least 3 times a week (for at least an hour) and I try to get a walk or run in on the days I don't go, or sometimes a yoga class. And nobody was ever a bigger shlub than me.

Love thyself. Seriously, this is HUGE. All the times I started a diet and/or exercise plan because I hated what saw in the mirror or the number on the scale/BMI chart/clothing label, I failed. When I made a conscious decision to take better care of the body I have, so that my body could better take care of me, I was able to make permanent changes.

Shit happens. Nobody is perfect. I make mistakes. I slack off. I eat pizza. I drink alcohol. Monthly hormonal fluctuations occur. Holidays take place. I gain pounds back. It happens. I have to keep loving myself through it, and taking care of my body, rather than letting one setback lead to a total meltdown. As my friend Joe says, "This too shall pass."

Sometimes, you need hand-holding. I can't stress enough how big of an influence my personal trainer has been on my life. I trained with her for a year and a half, and I still go to her for help when my workout routines get stale or when I just need advice or encouragement. She taught me how to exercise, and more importantly, she pushed me beyond what I ever thought I was capable of doing. My Weight Watchers leader is also a huge help to me. She's funny and patient and encouraging, and I look forward to seeing her every week.

If you hate it, it's probably good for you. Not food, but exercise. I was once told that you should find an exercise you like, and do that, because if you're doing something you hate, it's not good for your stress level. Maybe so, but I've found that if I enjoy something, it's probably because it's super-easy (and therefore, will probably have no effect on my body). The stuff I hate, like squats, step-ups and the rowing machine, are the things that really get my heart pounding, my teeth gritting, and my body changing.

If you get stuck, change it up. I think I once heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results? Anyhow, yeah -- it's good to change things up every so often, especially if you're seeing the same number on the scale week after week. Try a new exercise, or try increasing the weight/time/intensity on something you already do. Try a new recipe or a new veggie. Make things interesting :)

I can't not eat pasta! Or birthday cake. Or butter. Any eating plan/diet that tells me I absolutely CAN'T eat a certain food is a setup for failure. It won't work in real life. For me, it only creates unhealthy obsessions with the forbidden foods. I think the trick is making healthier choices most of the time, and saving certain things for special occasions. That being said:

Whole wheat pasta is not bad at all. Neither is low-fat cheese, or fat-free yogurt. (I still don't like light mayo, though!) It helps to make healthier choices/substitutions. When the substitutions taste good, that is ;)

Slow and steady wins the race. It's taken me two years to get to the point I'm at now. but I think slowly developing heathy habits over time leads to permanent change (as opposed to quick fixes, like the cabbage soup diet!)

I have to belong to a gym. I have to have somewhere to go where exercise is all I can do, because otherwise I won't do it. I have about 20 exercise videos at home. Know how many I've done? One. Once. There are too many other things in my house I like to do better than exercise.

Get your thyroid checked. Seriously -- I know more people with thyroid problems than without. If I hear that someone's having trouble with their weight, the first thing I ask is whether they've had their thyroid checked. And if your doctor says your levels are "normal", ask them for the numbers. And then call me ;)

You can do it. Because I did it. I'm not Oprah -- I don't have zillions of dollars to hire a personal chef and a trainer who comes and gets me out of bed and watches me to make sure I don't eat crap. I'm a real woman with a home and a family and a million things to do every day. I'm not naturally skinny or energetic -- my metabolism is complete shit, because I have autoimmune thyroid disease AND hyperinsuliemia. Plus I have endometriosis, which means I'm in pain most days of the month. I have to fight with myself every damn day to get my sneakers on and get out the door, because I'd rather stay on the couch. But there hasn't been one moment when I haven't thought it was worth it. I'm worth it. I did it. I'm doing it. You can do it, too.

Me two years ago:

Me now:

Quick, easy, yummy, and WW-friendly dinners

2009-02-12T14:40:00.004-05:00

I like to cook, and so your definition of quick and easy may not be quite the same as mine, but I've come up with a few things recently that fit that category for me, taste good, and (for those who are counting) are less than 10 WW points per serving.

My friend Misty recently requested the pineapple shrimp recipe and gave it a rave review, so I thought I'd post it here in case anyone else wanted to try it:

Pineapple Shrimp

2 lbs. frozen raw shrimp, thawed, tails removed
1 tbsp. oil (I use canola)
1 20 oz. can pineapple chunks in juice, drained
1/2 bottle Lawry's Hawaiian marinade
crushed red pepper to taste (optional)

In large frying pan or wok, sauté shrimp in oil over high heat until cooked through (about 3-5 minutes). Add pineapple chunks, stir. Add marinade (and crushed pepper, if desired*), stir until coasted, lower heat to simmer and cook an additional 3-5 minutes. 1 cup = 3 WW points. Serve over 1/2 cup white or brown rice (2 points) with a side of steamed broccoli and cauliflower (or any other zero-points veggies).

*If some family members like crushed red pepper and others don't, it can be added to each individual serving.

********

I made this recently on a rare husband-and-kid-free evening, so it serves 1, but it could be easily modified to feed a whole family (assuming that unlike mine, your family wouldn't turn their noses up at the notion of eggs for dinner):

Eggs and Beans

2 eggs (or, for fewer points, use egg substitute)
cooking spray
1 can fat-free or vegetarian refried beans
1/2 jar salsa
1 oz shredded 50% reduced fat cheddar cheese

In small saucepan, heat beans and salsa over low heat, strring frequently. Coat frying pan with cooking spray and scramble eggs (or prepare them the way you prefer). When eggs are finished, add 1/2 of shredded cheese and allow to melt slightly before transferring eggs to plate. Measure 1/2 cup refried bean/salsa mixture onto plate, top with remaining cheese. 6 WW points. Serve with a side of steamed veggies or salad.

Let me know if you decide to try them and how they turn out!

TMI Tuesday - 2/10/09

2009-02-10T14:08:00.003-05:00

Trying out another blog meme (thanks, Anna!)

1. What do you think is the un-sexiest part of the body?

Wow. It really depends on the person, because there are parts that may be cute on one person and not so much on another (toes, teeth, belly, butt crack... lol).

2. Toilet paper: over, under, or what the hell are you talking about?

I don't have a preference, but the hubby insists on "over".

3. Have you ever called in sick to stay in bed with a sexual partner?

Yes, I have. Skipped class, too :)

4. Did your parents have a "birds & bees" talk with you? If so, at what age?

My mom did. I was about 7, and she read to my sister and me from a book called "Where Did I Come From?" Jacob is almost ten, and I still haven't explained the mechanics to him, although I have answered specific questions. This has a lot to do with the fact that, although he is Matt's and my child biologically, he wasn't conceived the old-fashioned way. So it's like, "Well, honey, this is how babies are made, but you weren't made that way." My mom says he doesn't need to know the specifics yet, but I feel like if we're being frank enough to talk about penises and vaginas, we should be able to talk about intrauterine insemination. Wow, this really *is* TMI...

5. What is one thing someone could do to you to rock your world?

Whisk me away for a romantic trip without telling me beforehand.

********

I just finished reading Goodnight Nobody by Jennifer Weiner. I really enjoy her books. The characters are so true-to-life. And the fact that she's a super-cool mom living in Philly who writes books -- and gets them published, no less! -- gives me hope that maybe one day I can be, too :)

I went shopping for jeans today at Fashion Bug. They've recently instituted the same sizing as Lane Bryant has for their jeans, so there are three different options for women with different body types. While I love that clothing manufacturers are finally realizing that some of us are more blessed than others in the hips/ass department, this also means that they are ordering fewer pairs in each size. And because I wear one of the smallest "Plus" sizes, there are even fewer of that size. Suffice it to say that today, while shopping their "Buy one get one 50% off" sale, I was only able to find one stinkin' pair of jeans in my size.

And speaking of Fashion Bug and plus sizes, I was on their website the other day and noticed that their "Misses" (regular) sizes go up to 16, though their "Plus" sizes start at 14. So at first I thought, wow that's great! Now that I'm down to a 16 I can shop on the other side of Fashion Bug. Not so fast, fatty! I looked at the sizing charts for each size, and while a "Plus" 16 fits a 36-inch waist, a "Misses" 16 fits a 32-inch waist. And so, as you've already figured out, a "Plus" 14 fits a 34-inch waist and a "Misses" 14 fits a 30-inch waist. Which means, as I continue to lose weight and go down through the sizes, I will go from a 16 to a 14, and then back to a 16. WTF?!

Life is never dull...

I'm back!

2009-02-07T12:57:00.003-05:00

Yay! I got my laptop back this morning. Good as new -- seriously, they put in a new screen and new touchpad (which feels funny under my finger!) All the data is intact. I'm thrilled, and resolve to back up as often as I remember.

My mood has improved a bit. I got out into the sunshine a few days last week, and it helped a LOT. Winter turns me into a really whiny bitch! I'm dealing with my feelings about moving as best I can. Two things that have NOT helped: The fact that yesterday was one year since my favorite tree was cut down, and the fact that my next-door neighbors -- who are renting the house from the people who had the tree cut down -- refuse to shovel snow, take care of the plants/trees, pick up newspapers/circulars from the outside of their property, or keep the front door fully shut (so it opens and slams whenever it's windy.) Even if I do get a chance to move, I'm gonna have a hell of a time selling this house with all that going on next door.

But, I'm dealing with being here for the time being. Philly's not soooo bad, though I really would *love* to leave the Northeast. Someday, maybe...

Clarification

2009-02-03T09:59:00.003-05:00

An explanation of why I was so whiny the other day:

Last week, Matt and Jacob and I took a trip down to the DC metro area so that Matt could take a test for a job. He aced the test and we were pretty confident that he would be offered the job. Then we started researching the area and found out that there's pretty much no way we'd be able to afford to live there -- the cost of housing is ridiculously high, and he'd actually be taking a pay cut to start.

Being an all-or-nothing thinker, I quickly plunged into the despair evident in my last post. I feel like I'm never going to get out of northeast Philadelphia, and like Matt is never going to get out of the dead-end job he's been stuck in for the past 14 years. I see this brilliant, talented man I love, wasting himself on a job that any high school graduate could do, when he is clearly meant for more, and it breaks my heart.

And I really, really need a change of scenery. I've lived in the same fucking neighborhood my whole life, and I hate it. Even a different part of Philly would be good, though ideally I'd like to move to another area. Even if I hate it and want to move back, at least I will have lived *somewhere* other than the armpit of the east coast.

Thanks for listening to me whine. Again.

From one of my favorite movies, Groundhog Day:

Phil: What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?
Ralph: That about sums it up for me.

Stuck, stuck, STUCK!

2009-01-31T13:41:00.003-05:00

See how Flick freaks out when he realizes his tongue is stuck to the flagpole? Yeah, that's me right now. Stuck.

I hate my house. I hate this city, and particularly the area of the city where I currently reside. I hate my husband's job most of all.

And every time I take a step forward and try and better my situation, I find my tongue frozen to the flagpole. Can't move, can't change jobs, can't change anything, because we're stuck.

Or maybe it's my mindset that's stuck. Maybe I should just suck it up and deal with the fact that I will always live in a house I hate, in a neighborhood I hate, getting income from a source I hate. Maybe it's all just my own hang-ups and there's really no reason to be so miserable. Maybe it's just the SAD rearing its ugly head, as it tends to do at this time every year. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy -- after all, everyone's miserable, right?

The stench of inertia is slowly choking the life out of me.

Creepy

2009-01-24T08:37:00.005-05:00

I try not to blog about religion too much, partly because I don't want to offend anyone, and partly because of the flurry of responses it will incite from those whose beliefs differ from my own. However, this incident bothered me so much that I just need to get it off my chest in a public forum.

My parents' vacation home was broken into recently. Nothing was taken, nothing was damaged, facts for which we are all grateful. From what the local police said, it just seemed to be a group of thrill-seeking kids.

Last weekend was the first time my mother had been to the house since the break-in, and she got more details about the incident, which she relayed to me over the phone a few nights ago. (Background for anyone who doesn't know -- I grew up in a "born-again", charismatic, fundamentalist church; while my mother no longer attends that particular church, she still subscribes to that belief system.)

The house is on a cul-de-sac along with two other houses, and all three had been broken into. My parents' neighbors both had things taken (electronics, cash), but nothing had been taken from my parents' house. The police reasoned that the thieves must have gotten "spooked" by something in my parents' house (although I suspect that it had more to do with the fact that my parents don't have many things of value in the house.)

Anyway, the point of all this -- my mom told me that on Sunday, she and my dad went to the church they attend when they're at the vacation house, and she was talking about the break-ins with a woman she knows. When she told her that both neighbors had had things taken but that nothing had been taken from their house, the woman said "well, we know whose house the favor of God was upon, don't we?"

Um, what?

That's one of the creepiest things I've ever heard one Christian say to another (and I heard a LOT of stuff like that in my almost 30 years in the church.) Seriously? God, who these people claim loves everyone and has control over everything, favors my parents, but not their neighbors, and so decided that my parents' neighbors should have to deal with petty theft and the emotional stress of having their property violated. Was it punishment? Trying to teach them a lesson? Just fucking around with them? Yeah, that sounds like a loving deity to me.

When I was a Christian, I heard all the time that we were supposed to be humble, not judge others, love your neighbor as yourself, etc. Then in the next breath, we heard about how we were a holy remnant, set apart for God's purposes, that other religions were wrong, that people in other churches were spiritually dead. Guess which message went down easier? Seeing oneself as superior to others is the character trait I notice *the* most in Christianity.

This is not meant to offend, or point fingers at anyone. I just found it so incredibly revolting that instead of compassion, the emotion this "Christian" woman felt towards the victims of a crime was self-righteous superiority. I'm sure I'll get messages and comments pointing out that this is just one woman, that not all Christians feel/act this way, that "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven!" That's fine, but the fact is, this is my experience of the Christian attitude more often than not. And why my mother chose to pass this along to me is difficult to fathom -- she knows I'm not a Christian, and that fact pains her, but she couldn't see beyond her own arrogant self-satisfaction to recognize that what she was saying could only serve to push me further away from her warped belief system, not back towards it (like, gee, I'd better go back to Christianity so none of my stuff gets taken if my house gets broken into!)

I have my own belief system. It's constantly evolving, as am I. Every life experience I have and every person I encounter helps to shape my outlook. It changes as I change. One thing I can say with absolute certainty will not change, however -- I will not and cannot believe in a God who favors anyone over anyone else. That's a human trait, not a divine one.

Offline for a bit

2009-01-16T18:27:00.002-05:00

So once again I'll be failing to update this blog, but this time it's because I'm going to be without internet access for a bit. My computer bit the dust on Wednesday night. (I'm typing this on Becca's computer -- she was gracious enough to lend it to me for a few hours! Thanks again, Bec!) I'm hoping to be able to retrieve the data (essentially, my whole life is on that machine) and maybe even get it fixed, but it will at least be a few weeks until everything is up and running again.

Hope it's sooner rather than later!

Accomplishments

2009-01-13T11:34:00.003-05:00

So far, so good on the New year's goals. I still haven't found a job -- who can, these days? -- but I'm not giving up hope, and I'm looking for ways to budget more efficiently in the meantime so that it at least feels like we have a bit of extra income. Fortunately, we only have three payments left on our car, so that will eliminate one of our biggest monthly bills. And I'm trying to reconcile my love of all things organic and locally-produced with my need to save money. I'm loving this site right now: Living on a Dime.

Matt and I just spent a very nice weekend in New York (travel is our biggest splurge, but we tried not to spend tooo much!), just being together sans enfant. We had some yummy food and saw a movie (Revolutionary Road -- it was pretty good), but otherwise just stayed in ;) And when we came home, we found out that his shift change went through -- so I finally have a hubby who's home with me at night, after twelve years of night shift! Yay!

I started cleaning my bedroom, which is a huge undertaking, but I'm making some definite progress. I filled 4 trashbags with clothes that are too big, which felt pretty good.

Now, if I could just make time to get some writing done...

Is blogging dead?

2009-01-05T13:48:00.002-05:00

I keep reading that people aren't blogging like they used to, that Facebook has taken the place of blogging, that people are sick of reading bloggers' self-centered egocentric slop. Is it true? Is blogging dead? I know I haven't kept up with mine like I intend, but I still read others' blogs regularly (though I don't comment as much as I used to). I do notice that some people I read aren't posting as often, and many aren't posting at all.

Thoughts?

In the New Year

2009-01-01T23:37:00.003-05:00

Some plans/goals for the new year. I hate to say "resolutions," because it sounds so definite... plans and goals are more of a "work in progress" sort of thing. Anyhow...

Spend a lot more time with Matt.

Find a part-time job that pays decently and doesn't suck.

Clean (and maintain cleanliness of) our bedroom.

DE-CLUTTER MY HOUSE!

Incorporate more structure into our homeschooling routine, and begin to prepare Jacob for the possibility of school.

Lose the last 38 lbs. I need to reach the goal weight I set for myself. (92 down, 38 to go!) At that time, consider whether or not Weight Watchers' suggested goal for me (another 39 lbs. below my own goal) is realistic and/or healthy.

Choose, on a daily basis, to use my WW points for more healthy protein and less sugar.

Finish writing something. This is my goal every damn year, and yet somehow... *sigh*.

That's it for now. I may add to this list as I see fit!

Looking forward

2008-12-26T12:48:00.007-05:00

Once again, I've failed to keep this blog current, this time not out of outright neglect but the simple fact that everything happening in my life as of late was unfit for public consumption. Trip to Paris, World Series championship and Obama victory aside, 2008 was not one of my better years. But, thankfully, it's drawing to a close. And in the past few weeks, things have been righting themselves, and I can honestly say that my life is pretty fucking wonderful right now. The key is keeping it that way throughout the coming year.

On a lighter note, my holidays have been pretty fun. I've spent time with my family and some of my friends, and received some really cool gifts, including a new digital camera (I broke my old one a couple of weeks ago), a new MP3 player, books, DVDs, clothes, jewelry, perfume, and lots of Phillies gear. But the best gift of all is that my wonderful husband, Matt, will no longer be working 3rd shift! After twelve long years, I no longer have to sleep alone. Yay!

I'm looking forward to 2009 and I'm making some goals for the New Year. Hopefully, I'll get around to posting a few of them.

Hoping everyone is enjoying their holidays!

;)

Thinking about things

2008-11-17T22:34:00.003-05:00

Lately I've been contemplating some major changes.

The first is going back to work. Well, not going back to the same job I had pre-Jacob, but getting a job of some sort. My reasons for this are varied, but I felt it becoming less of an option and more of an necessity as Mayor Nutter announced last week that he would be slashing Police overtime (and, in effect, our family budget.) I haven't had a real job in about 10 years, and I'm scared nobody will want to hire me. But I'm also somewhat thrilled at the idea of having (non-gym or doctor's appointment-related) time out of the house. Not to mention my own money!

Then there's the possibility of putting Jacob in school. Not because I'd be working -- obviously I could plan my schedule to accomodate homeschooling -- but because I fear that he's falling behind in some ways that I just can't make up for here at home. And I also have begun feeling like homeschooling -- for our family -- is better in theory than in practice.

As far as trying for that next baby, well, it's still going on, though I seem to have lost my enthusiasm for it for the time being. I'm starting to feel like maybe it's time to take a break. Unfortunately, at my age with all my challenges, that means I may be closing the door forever on the possibility of another biological child, which is why the decision is difficult. But it's just how I feel right now -- we've been trying forever (7 years feels like forever, anyhow), and it's like beating my head against a wall.

Change is hard. But I've changed a lot over the past year and a half or so, and anything's possible. Wish me luck...

VOTE!

2008-11-04T10:11:00.001-05:00

Please take the time today to get out and vote! I'll be on my way to the polls as soon as I finish my breakfast. I've never been so excited and hopeful about an election!

Dreams do come true

2008-10-30T00:35:00.004-04:00

Freezing my butt off at the season opener this year, I never thought I'd be celebrating a World Series championship. The Phillies lost that game -- and every game I attended this year, including the one at Shea Stadium in New York. Baseball is a very superstitious game, and I started to feel like I was a bad omen. When the Phillies won the division, I promised not to go to any more games this year!

But I did sit and watch every single post-season Phillies game from the comfort of my living room (or my in-laws'). All I dared hope for was ONE post-season win -- that would be one better than they did last October. When they won Game 1 of the Division Series, I was happy. But the Phillies had other plans: ELEVEN post-season wins, and undefeated at home!

It was officially the weirdest World Series ever -- but hey, that's Philly. I am SO proud of my guys right now! I can't wait for the parade on Friday!

YAY PHILLIES!!!

Inspiring... Beautiful.

2008-10-29T12:47:00.003-04:00

These two videos just moved me to tears... the idea that we might, just six days from now, change the direction of this country, overcome the politics of hate and fear, and unite behind a truly great American president, gives me so much hope for the future. I'm so happy to be alive at a time when we have a chance to put a man like Barack Obama in the White House!

Yes we can give America back to the People. Yes we can overcome what divides us as a nation. Yes we can.

Mmm... pasta. Mmm... pie.

2008-10-24T00:58:00.005-04:00

Tonight I had pasta for the first time since starting Weight Watchers. Honestly, I was a little worried about it, because pasta is a weakness of mine. But I decided to give it a try. I tweaked my famous spaghetti sauce recipe a little to make it WW-friendly, and I bought some whole wheat linguine at Whole Foods today.

Whole wheat pasta isn't as scary as I thought. Actually, it tastes pretty similar to the regular stuff. Also, a cup of pasta is bigger than I thought. With the sauce and some crushed red pepper, it was pretty yummy!

I also made a WW-friendly apple pie earlier this week, with fresh local apples from my favorite fruit farmer. It was the first time I'd ever made a pie, and I have to say I was pretty impressed with myself. Pie crust is actually really simple to make (who knew?) and it didn't have any scary ingredients like artificial sweetener or fake fat.

Trying new things in the kitchen makes me happy ;)

Changing the game plan

2008-10-16T14:54:00.003-04:00

I'm still not keeping up with this blog like I want to, but my life has been very busy lately -- which is definitely a good thing!

As most of you know, over the last year and a half I've lost a lot of weight. For the first sixteen months or so, I lost almost sixty pounds simply through exercising -- I started out with two half-hour sessions a week with a personal trainer (focusing on strength training and cardio), then later increased those to two one-hour sessions, and added in a yoga class and an extra day of swimming or biking here or there. No surgery, no pills, no starvation, just exercise.

This summer my weight loss began to slow down, then pretty much stalled completely. I stepped up the exercise routine to 3 days a week of strength training and cardio, one yoga class and an extra swim, but I was still stuck. I had my trainer change the routine, but nothing changed. Finally I had to face the truth: I had to change my food intake if I wanted to lose more weight.

Ugh.

Here's the thing: I think I've read and tried every diet book known to womankind. They're all good in theory, but you get to a point where you just can't take it anymore. Every time I lost any weight dieting, I would wind up gaining twice as much as I lost when I stopped following the diet. And of course that would make me feel terrible about myself. So at some point I promised myself that I would never diet again.

So I found myself with a dilemma. I don't want to diet; I want to make healthy changes to my eating habits so that I can continue to lose weight, but I don't want to feel deprived or restricted. I started by keeping a log online of everything I ate each day (there are a bunch of websites where you can do this, and they count the calories for you -- yay!) I've always thought of my diet as pretty healthy -- I make sure to eat lots of fruits & veggies, protein, more whole than not-whole grains, and very little processed food. The problem wasn't the foods I was eating, but how much I was eating. At that many calories a day, even with all the exercise I was doing, I was just maintaining my weight.

I thought about it for a while, explored my options, and I decided to try Weight Watchers. I made this decision for a number of reasons, the main ones being 1) I needed to learn portion control (what exactly *is* a serving, anyhow?), 2) there aren't any strictly forbidden foods, which means I won't get obsessed with what I can't have (like when I did low-carb and all I could think about was pasta and cake), and 3) I have an appointment with the scale every week, and I have to pay for it, so there's a lot more accountability than if i just read a diet book. Plus, WW have been around for a long time, and I think their plan actually works if it's done right.

I was scared. I could think of as many reasons *not* to do WW as I could *to* do it, but I sucked it up and went to my first meeting almost two weeks ago. The first week was hard as I adjusted to smaller portions and low-fat versions of the "regular" foods I enjoy, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It forced me to get creative in the kitchen and eat lots of veggies, which I enjoyed. And at my first weigh-in, lo and behold, I had lost 7.75 lbs. Very cool.

I'm almost finished with my second week now, and I've been presented with a few challenges, such as going out to eat, and birthday celebrations -- but I'm surviving. And every day that I work out, I get to eat a little more than on other days :)

But most importantly: I'm resigned to not buying into the whole diet mentality. I don't hate my body or think that happiness can only come from being thin. I love my body and I want it to be healthy so that I can live a long, happy life. I've been amazed at how my body has responded to exercising, and I know now that it's a permanent part of my life and not just a means to an end -- and I'm going to treat WW the same way.

;)

Wednesday Mind Hump 10/15/08

2008-10-16T00:36:00.002-04:00

Today's Wednesday Mind Hump:

Write about . . .

Musicians

or

Concerts

The subject, length, focus, etc. I leave all up to you. You're free to write whatever you like.

Over the past year, I've become a big fan of Kelly Clarkson. She won the first American Idol competition in 2002 and has since released three very successful albums. I took my best friend/sister-in-law, Becca, to see her in concert last year on her birthday, 10/18. This year, oddly enough, Kelly's playing in our area again on 10/18 (this Saturday!), so needless to say, Becca is getting the same present!

I only knew a few of Kelly's songs when we went to see her last year, but I loved her concert so much that I downloaded all three of her albums after seeing her. Her songs really speak to me, and I just love her voice and her energy.

Lately, I've been listening to her music while I work out at the gym. Know what's really cool about her songs? Not only are they great for cardio (I maintain 100 RPM on the bike during the verses, then do a quick burst of speed up to 115 RPM during the high-energy choruses) but a few of the songs are actually fun to sing about the weight I've lost. I'm serious!

Like this one:

Since u been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since u been gone

And this:

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

See what I mean? ;)

Wednesday Mind Hump 10/08/08

2008-10-08T21:10:00.003-04:00

Today's Wednesday Mind Hump:

Name your favorite movie, your favorite character from that movie, and why you like that character so much.

This is a toughie, as I have soooo many favorite movies, and it's tought to pick one favorite character from any of them! I'm going to go with Guido Orefice from Life is Beautiful.

The movie is set in Italy in the 1940s. Guido is an Italian waiter, who happens to be Jewish. He falls in love with a gentile woman, Dora, and works very hard at capturing her attention by making her laugh. She eventually falls in love with him, and they get married and have a son, Joshua.

When Joshua is five, he and Guido are taken to a concentration camp. When Dora finds out what has happened, she demands to be taken to the camp as well, although she is held in the women's section and doesn't have contact with Guido and Joshua.

Guido doesn't want his son to be afraid, so he tells Joshua that what's happening is a game, and that if Joshua plays along and follows the rules, he will win a tank. Even when things are terrible in the camp, he is able to keep Joshua's spirits up by reminding him that they are in the lead and will win the tank when they leave.

I love Guido's character because of his love for life and his incredible ability to maintain a positive outlook even in the worst circumstances a person could find themselves in, for the sake of his family. And of course, at the beginning of the film I see parallels to my own life, because Matt used his own silly sense of humor to grab my attention back when we were kids.

The movie is, at times, side-splittingly hilarious, and at others, gut-wrenchingly sad. I saw it when I was almost at the end of my pregnancy with Jacob, and I remember Matt and I holding on to each other, weeping, as we left the theater. It won the Oscars for Best Foreign Language Film and Best Actor in 1999.

Wednesday Mind Hump

2008-10-01T23:39:00.002-04:00

I'm trying out a blog meme to help get me into the habit of posting regularly. I had to do this one because I loved the name ;)

Wednesday Mind Hump

Greetings! Today's hump is about World Vegetarian Day.
Name your favorite and least favorite vegetables.

My Favorites:

1. Brussels sprouts! One of the most reviled veggies, yet undisputably my favorite. This may have something to do with the fact that my dad always said they were "Barbie cabbages". I love them quartered, tossed with olive oil and kosher salt, and roasted in the over... yummmm.

2. Zucchini! Nothing says summer to me as much as this veggie, and I buy loads of it at the farmer's market. (I also love growing it myself!) I like it steamed, grilled, stir-fried, broiled, grated and mixed with egg for "zucchini latkes", and -- yummmm -- baked in zucchini bread! This summer, Jacob was frequently heard complaining, "Why do we have to eat zucchini every night?"

3. Baby bok choy! Sauteed with garlic and sprinkled with just a bit of soy sauce. Mmmm.

Least faves:

1. Raw onion. I can't even swallow it... it triggers my gag reflex the moment it enters my mouth.

2. Celery. I have tried so hard to like celery ever since I found out it's a "negative calorie" food, but I just can't. It's mostly a texture thing.

3. Bell peppers. I love hot peppers, but for some reason I just really don't like bell peppers, of any color. Yuck!

What are your faves (and least faves?)

Today's fortune

2008-09-30T23:31:00.004-04:00

"You will never find light by analyzing the darkness, and you'll never find your magnificence by analyzing your weaknesses." - Wayne Dyer

My favorite yoga teacher, Pat, always drops a printed "fortune" on our mats during savasana (the final resting pose in our class). Today, mine was the quote above, which was very relevant for me -- and so I thought I'd share it.

I spend a lot of time focused on what's wrong with me, what I don't have, what I can't do. I'm working on it, but it's easy to slip back into old, negative thought patterns. Sometimes little reminders like this one can be helpful!

My poor, neglected blog

2008-09-23T11:53:00.003-04:00

It's been four months since I posted here! That's terrible!

I'm going to try to do better. It was a long, difficult summer. Things are improving.

My next-door neighbors, the ones who cut down my favorite tree AND brought all sorts of vermin into my life, have decided to move to Florida and put their house up for rent. At the beginning of this summer, *we* had planned on being the ones to move, but our plans fell by the wayside as we contemplated spending loads of money on other things. Now that we've decided not to go that route, we're re-contemplating a move.

Yes, we still own a car. But, we've been doing a lot more walking and using public transit, and it's really not so bad. In fact, I kind of prefer it. For instance, yesterday I was driving across the SAME intersection where my accident happened in March, and the SAME thing happened -- only instead of getting slammed into, I just got the horn-and-finger for *daring* to let pedestrians cross before completing my right-hand turn. (I guess I didn't get the memo that it is now okay to run down pedestrians!) I am so sick of drivers and their egos. It's much nicer to let someone else do the driving or let my feet take me places.

I can't even remember what else I had written about here before my long absence. Anyhow, I'm really going to try to keep up with this blog, I promise!

;)

Contemplating the car-free lifestyle

2008-05-23T17:24:00.003-04:00

When I was a teenager, I dreamed of the day I would get my driver's license. Driving meant freedom, the ability to go where you wanted when you wanted, without asking anyone for permission. I've owned a car since the day I graduated high school, and I've never even considered the possibility of not owning one... until now.

I don't have to tell you about gas prices. But with the cost of driving increasing daily, our family is forced to take a good hard look at whether or not driving is actually necessary. After all, we live in a big city. There's a bus that stops at the end of our street; there are at least six more buses that run within three to four blocks of our house. A mile away is the mass transit hub of our part of the city, with buses and trains coming and going every minute of every day. In addition to public transit, there are taxi companies and the up-and-coming Philly Car Share. We also own bicycles. And within walking distance, we have a supermarket, a CVS, several restaurants, bars, stores, banks, hair salons... So honestly, having a car is really more of a luxury than a necessity for our family.

And what an expensive luxury it is -- for us, the monthly cost of driving, including car payment, car insurance, and gas (I've conservatively estimated six fill-ups per month at the going rate), is about $740 per month. That doesn't count parking, or routine maintenance like oil changes, car washes, etc, or big expenses like the new battery we needed two weeks ago, or traffic tickets from someone in my household's tendency to run red lights (ahem). So it's really over $800, on average, per month. (And we just have one small, fuel-efficient car.) In comparison, an unlimited pass for our mass transit system costs $78 per person, per month. (Single-ride tokens are only $1.45.)

So, for the first time in my adult life, I'm really considering the possibility of not owning a car. I know it will make some things more of a hassle, and I won't be able to just hop in the car and go somewhere at a moment's notice. But at the same time, maybe it will force me to make a concious effort to be more organized, to make do with what I have, and to appreciate my surroundings.

If you'll permit me, I also have an Eckhart Tolle-influenced observation to share. As I drive around the city, I notice how much of the act of driving has to do with the ego. I'm not talking about luxury cars, premium gas, or even my big pet peeve, gas-guzzling SUVs, but things I'm guilty of, like impatience, speeding, not letting someone cut in front, road rage, talking on the cell phone while driving, etc. Sitting in traffic stresses us out. Everybody's in a Big Hurry, and everybody wants to be First. I know that the guy who rear-ended me in March was driving with his ego -- he was in a Big Hurry and couldn't wait ten seconds so I could let the pedestrians cross; instead he tried to to go around me, wound up underestimating how much space he needed, and crashed into my car. Maybe if everyone slowed down and took a walk, or took the bus, every once in a while, instead of being in such a Big Hurry, we could become less impatient, less competitive, more aware of the world around us... Okay, maybe I'm dreaming, but at least it might reduce some of our stress and make us happier people overall.

Or maybe it's just me. But having an extra $800 in the bank every month sounds really good right about now...

Indiana Jones and the Ancient Mom

2008-05-12T17:55:00.004-04:00

Jacob recently acquired a box of White Cheddar Cheez-Its which advertises the new Indiana Jones film, as well as having a special mail-in offer for the Raiders of the Lost Ark DVD.

Jacob: Have you seen this movie, Mom?

Me: The new one? It's not out yet.

Jacob: I know that, Mom, I meant the Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Me: Yeah, I saw all of the Indiana Jones movies when I was a kid.

Jacob: Wow. How many were there?

Me: Three of them.

Jacob: Did you see them in the theater or on DVD?

Me (amused): In the theater. They didn't have DVDs then.

Jacob (alarmed): They didn't have DVDs?!

Me (feeling very old): Nope.

Jacob: Wow...

Headhouse Market, and other news

2008-05-04T14:05:00.004-04:00

Today was the grand re-opening of my favorite Farmers' Market, at Headhouse Square in Philly. I've really missed having fresh, local produce, and being able to meet and talk with the people who grow the foods I eat. Supermarket shopping is so cold and impersonal!

Because it's so early in the season, there wasn't a whole lot of produce to choose from, but Jacob and I did buy two lovely, purply-green bunches of asparagus. We sampled cheeses and baked goods, and I had a hard time restraining myself from buying a gorgeous strawberry plant for $22! We did buy a hunk of Alpine cheese, a chocolate chip cookie and some pains au chocolat (which I've come to realize that, while yummy, are just not the same in the US... sigh.)

In other produce-related news, I've decided not to do a vegetable garden this year (boo - I know) because I want to concentrate on getting the house ready to sell. One of my criteria for a new home, of course, is that it have a space for me to garden. And I'm hoping for a composter for mothers' day!

You know you're a theater geek when you go to see two musicals in one day. Yesterday Jacob and I saw Seussical at my friend Tatlyn's school. It was a terrific production, and the show itself was much better than I'd hoped. I teared up at the end when all the Whos yelled "we are here! we are here!" (Alright... I had to choke back sobs... but I wish to assert my time-of-the-month privileges!) I also went to see Hairspray at the Academy of Music. I went to see the movie version twice last summer and absolutely loved it. The play was just as fabulous. Now I can't stop singing "Good Morning Baltimore!"

And speaking of choking back sobs, I couldn't stop crying yesterday when I heard about the murder of Philadelphia Police Sgt. Stephen Liczbinski during a robbery yesterday, less than four miles from my home. He was only 39 years old and had a wife and three children. Sometimes I really despise this city...

Moving on

2008-04-21T11:56:00.002-04:00

And so it came to pass that between trees being cut down and drunken 4 am brawls in the street, between lack of kitchen counter space and dirtball next-door neighbors introducing a host of vermin into our lives, the Friedenberg family decided that it was time to close up shop on the quickly-declining block where they had spent almost ten years.

Yes, we're moving. I've had enough. There is much to do to get this house ready to sell, and I understand that right now is not the best time to put a house on the market, but it's time for us to go.

Unless Matt finds a new job (not likely -- he likes where he is), we are required to stay within the city limits, though that's fine with me. There are a zillion different neighborhoods from which to choose, and each has its own strengths and weaknesses.

If I could afford to buy my dream home, I'd look for an old four-bedroom Victorian with a huge kitchen, wood-burning fireplace, big backyard and laundry room on the main floor. And my own writing room, preferably in the third floor tower room ;)

But I'd settle for something with some kitchen counter space!

The switch to digital

2008-04-09T11:44:00.003-04:00

I'm sure by now everyone has heard about the "switch to digital" -- TV stations will be turning off their analog signal and broadcasting only a digital signal after February of 2009 (ostensibly, so that we all get "better" picture and sound quality, but in reality, so that they can make more money.) If you already have digital cable or a digital TV, you won't even notice a difference, but for people like me who don't subscribe to cable and whose TV set was purchased in the early 1990s, it will mean losing our signal unless we purchase a "converter box."

So, if I still want to watch TV after February, I'm going to have to shell out money: either I'll have to replace our perfectly functional TV set, subscribe to digital cable (no way), or buy a converter box (the cheapest ones I've seen run about $46.00). The federal government is offering $40 coupons, for every household in the USA, towards the purchase of converter boxes. I don't know if it's more disturbing that the government has decided we must all watch digital TV, or that they're going to subsidize the switch. The same entity that refuses to provide health care to its citizens will happily assist us in converting our TVs, because as we all know, TV is much more important than our health and well-being. Kids in schools don't have all the supplies they need, there aren't enough police on the streets, the soldiers fighting in Iraq don't have the proper protective gear, but by god, the people will have their TV!

I'm certainly not ready to give up TV completely; I do enjoy watching House and Grey's Anatomy, and I watch the news each night. However, I can get all those programs online, in their entirety, without upgrading anything. I'm perfectly okay if my TV just becomes something on which to watch DVDs and play video games. It's certainly more appealing to me than spending $46 to upgrade my set (or asking the government for TV assistance.)

Matt, on the other hand, says we should just suck it up, get the coupon, and buy the converter box... he doesn't want to miss the Sunday afternoon Phillies games ;)

Fear

2008-04-07T18:55:00.004-04:00

We finally got our car back today. It's all shiny and new-looking. But while riding home in it, instead of happy, I just felt scared.

I haven't driven at all since my accident on March 20. I didn't feel comfortable driving the rental car, and I was still shaken up from the accident. Every time we went out on the road, I felt my body bracing for impact.

I thought once I got my own car back, I might feel safer. But the rental was a biggol' SUV, and my car is a little Ford Focus station wagon. I'm much closer to the ground, and I feel even more vulnerable.

I've been in four car accidents in the past five and a half years. None of them have been major, but they've all been traumatizing, and three of the four left me with injuries that required physical therapy. This most recent accident was the worst of the four, and I'm pretty much in constant pain on my left side as a result. I'm going to the chiropractor three times a week, and it's helping, but very slowly. And I'm not allowed to box or do yoga, which just SUCKS.

I realize that I should be glad that my accidents have been minor -- Matt and I saw a car that was flipped onto its roof on Saturday night -- and I am grateful that I've been able to walk away from each of the accidents with minor injuries. But at the same time, I just feel like I don't even want to get in the car anymore, much less drive. I don't want to be in another accident.

I wish I could avoid being in moving vehicles altogether. Pathetic, huh? I know that fear is just a manifestation of the ego (been reading "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle -- great book, btw) but I really don't feel like it's unfounded or irrational to be afraid in this case. There are just too many idiots on the road... and I just know one of them is going to crash into me.

Bleh.

Be careful what you wish for

2008-04-06T14:09:00.002-04:00

In December, I wrote about how I hadn't yet found a presidential candidate to support, but that it didn't really matter because I live in Pennsylvania: Apolitical.

I'm eating those words now, because the race has gone on a lot longer than usual, and so we Pennsylvanians actually get a chance to help decide the Democratic nominee this year. And, I actually found a candidate to support.

I'm excited that there's actually a race this year. I like that my vote actually counts. But can I just tell you, I'm so tired of the campaign commercials, the op-ed pieces, the endless debates... I really just want it over with so that I know who I'm supporting in November.

Yeah, I know... the grass is always greener...

Maggie screams like a 14-year-old

2008-04-04T19:26:00.003-04:00

So, who else watched the Today show this morning?! *grin*

I actually taped it, because I had a doctor's appointment @ 8:30 am, but I watched it as soon as I got home. And yes, the rumors are true! Donnie confirmed that they have been recording a new album and there WILL BE A TOUR in the fall!!!! I think they look good, too... they've aged, sure, but who hasn't -- and they've lost the big 80's hair, thank goodness (though I think Donnie's hair needs some work -- maybe shaving his head.) They'll be performing on the Today Show on May 16th. I can't wait.

Here's a few clips from Today, in case you missed it:

It's happening!

2008-03-31T19:34:00.002-04:00

April 4th on the Today Show! I'll be watching:

New Kids on the Block to appear on Today Show

also check out the vids at:

What's Hot: Block Watch

The 14-year-old girl in me is giddy with anticipation!

Kisses, the Phillies, and my bod

2008-03-27T13:35:00.005-04:00

Matt and I are anniversary-keepers. In addition to our wedding anniversary, we also celebrate the day we started dating, the day we first had sex, the day we found out we were expecting Jacob, etc.

Today is the anniversary of our first kiss. It happened March 27th, 1991. 17 loooonnng years ago, and I was 17 at the time, which means I have been kissing this man for half my life. That makes me feel old, but more than that, it makes me feel very lucky ;)

On another note, here's why the Phillies suck: This year, you could only buy opening day tickets if you bought season tickets, a partial season plan, or at the very least a 6-pack of game day tickets. I haven't missed a home opener since before I got married. Jacob was 5 weeks old at his first home opener, and has never missed one. But this year, because of the Phillies' stupid new policy, we're missing out. I'm thinking about writing a letter, but then, I don't know how much good it will do... obviously they're not interested in tradition, just money.

Now, an update on my bod: I went to see my chiropractor yesterday, and he did an assessment of my injuries from the accident. I have a rib misalignment, the whole left side of my back is in spasm, and my left hip is messed up. I'm going back tomorrow and will likely be seeing him 3x a week for the next few months. He also wants me to wait to go back to the gym for a little while longer, which I understand, but still makes me mad. It's so annoying that someone else's driving mistake is costing me so much.

I also still have the annoying cold, which unlike most colds I've had started in my chest and then worked its way up to my head (usually they go the other way for me). Mucinex is helping with the cough but nothing's helping with the snot situation... bleh. I think I'll have to do Lisa's warm-salt-water-in-every-orifice trick soon. This is always my time of year to be sick.

I'm ready to trade in my 2008

2008-03-25T11:11:00.002-04:00

It's only the end of March, and I'm already done with 2008. This year has not gone well! Can I get a refund?

The worst thing about being laid up -- again -- is missing my Tuesday yoga class and trainer session -- again -- while there's all this Chocolate Bunny Sex Day candy in my house. This is worse than the Girl Scout cookies...

And on top of the car accident, Jacob and I now have a chest cold. Bleh. He seems to be recovering (fever's down today) but I'm getting worse...

Any way I can just fast forward to 2009...? Oh wait, I just remembered how old I'll be in 2009! EEK! I'll keep 2008, never mind ;)

Another day, another trip to the ER...

2008-03-23T14:25:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I went back to the ER again because my back was hurting so bad, I thought maybe I had a broken rib. I had x-rays done and my ribs are okay, but the doctor (same one I saw 2 days earlier) thought my lungs may have been compromised due to trauma to my chest wall. So, now I have this interesting-looking apparatus that I have to breathe through ten times an hour to make sure my lung doesn't collapse (eek).

On the way home from the ER in our rental, we were almost sideswiped. I think maybe I'm never getting in a car again...

Crash!

2008-03-21T12:58:00.004-04:00

My life is never uneventful. Always something happening to keep me on my toes... or, in this case, flat on my back, strapped to a board, in the back of an ambulance.

Yesterday I left for the gym a bit early, hoping to stop at Target to pick up a few essentials for Jacob's chocolate bunny day basket. Long story short, I had stopped before turning right to let a handicapped woman and a child finish crossing the street, some idiot slammed into me, and I was rushed to the hospital. As you can see, I'm alive, but my back and neck hurt like a motherbitch...

Blah.

Uninsured

2008-03-18T20:11:00.008-04:00

I've known my husband, Matt, since I was in the seventh grade. (For those keeping score, that's about 21 years ago.) We were friends for a long time before we became a couple, and I've known much of his family for almost as long as I've known my own.

At this time of year, my thoughts always turn to Matt's godmother, whom we affectionately referred to as "Aunt Purple." Not a relative by blood, as his parents' best friend she was nevertheless his favorite aunt and they were very close. I first met her at Matt's brother's wedding, and she and I hit it off immediately and spent the reception dancing together and having a blast -- she was one of the most fun people I'd ever met.

One year, almost half my life ago, she and Matt and I began a tradition of getting together every year for St. Patrick's Day. We would dress all in green, including green false eyelashes, temporary tattoos, mardi gras beads, glow sticks, etc, and we'd go out to eat, drink, dance and laugh, usually at our local Bennigan's. Every year I looked forward to our get-together. It was my favorite holiday tradition, and the only one that truly felt like my own -- no obligations, just fun.

Over the years, I got to know Aunt Purple better, and we became very close. One of the things I loved and admired most about her was her ability to truly be herself in every situation. She knew who she was and she never compromised herself in order to fit in -- and you couldn't help but love her. She adopted me as her goddaughter, and when I had Jacob, she couldn't have loved him more if he'd been her own grandson.

Her early life had been quite difficult. Her birth mother died while Aunt P was still a baby, and her father remarried, then he died a few years later. She was raised by her stepmother and older stepsisters, who never truly accepted her as their sister. Like me, she married young, and also like me, struggled with infertility before finally becoming a mother (she and her husband adopted a baby boy.) Like me, she made the decision to forgo outside work and make her home and family the center of her world.

But unlike me, Aunt Purple had an abusive husband who eventually broke her heart and left her emotionally and financially devastated. For many years she struggled to find a steady job that would pay her bills, but her lack of education and a changing economy made that very difficult. She was frequently out of work, and the jobs that she was able to find didn't pay well and had little or no benefits. Her ex-husband gained sole custody of their son and, without his mother's influence, he became as abusive and self-serving as his father, only calling his mother when he wanted something from her. One day, she tripped and fell on her front step and shattered both of her feet. It took a long time to heal from the injuries, and she missed a lot of work as her medical bills piled up. Eventually, she lost her home and had to move into a cramped one-bedroom apartment.

In the spring of 2002, Aunt P was out of work once again and receiving unemployment, which was barely enough to scrape by. One day, she had what she believed to be a heart attack. A friend took her to the ER, and was admitted for tests, but a few days later they sent her home and told her that she hadn't had a heart attack. The hospital bills began coming in immediately, and she decided to try to apply for medical assistance. They told her she made too much money (with unemployment) to qualify. "How much is too much?" she asked. She made $20 a month over the limit for medical assistance. Aunt P reached into her wallet, pulled out a $20 bill, and laid it on the table. "Now, do I qualify?" The answer was no.

In the days that followed, she had dizzy spells and trouble breathing, and she went to yet another ER. She was admitted to this hospital and seen by a doctor who blamed her problems on her excess weight, and once again she was sent home, where she continued to have dizzy spells and trouble breathing. She drew up a living will and named Matt her executor, although he and I both told her we were sure she would be just fine.

A few weeks later, one of Aunt P's close friends, panicked by the fact that she hadn't answered her phone all day, went over to the apartment, let herself in with her key, and found Aunt P's body on the floor. She immediately called Matt, and he and I were both shocked and completely devastated. We requested that an autopsy be done, and when we got the coroner's report, it said that the cause of death was suffocation due to scar tissue that had been caused by a heart attack. Yes, the very same heart attack she'd supposedly never had. She was only 54 years old.

Whenever I hear anyone dismissing the idea of universal health coverage, I wonder if they've ever had the opportunity to watch a person that they loved die due to a lack of health care, simply because they didn't have or couldn't afford coverage. After all, it's not an uncommon thing in the USA -- the only wealthy, industrialized nation which refuses to provide its citizens with this most basic of human needs: across the country in 2006, twice as many people died from lack of health insurance as died from homicide. 11.3% of Pennsylvanians are uninsured, and an average of two working-age Pennsylvanians die every day because they lack coverage. Uninsured people have to forgo routine health screenings, and they wait longer to see a doctor, and so they are more likely to be diagnosed with diseases in their advanced stages. Uninsured people have a 25% higher rate of premature death than those with private insurance, and lack of insurance is the third-leading cause of death for people aged 55-64. Uninsured people also pay more for care, because they don't have insurance companies negotiating lower costs for them. (These statistics are from familiesusa.org).

I'm very fortunate, as a full-time mom who chooses not to work outside the home, that I have excellent coverage through Matt's job. Still, a roll of the dice and I could have easily been in Aunt P's shoes (and to be honest, so could any of us.) She was a wonderful, vibrant human being who was taken far too soon, and her death was completely preventable. For me, the national health care debate will always be deeply, profoundly personal.

Paris: Day 5, or "Au revoir, Paris!"

2008-03-15T10:27:00.004-04:00

Paris Travel Journal

Day 5

I tried to sleep in, as we had been out late (by Parisian standards, anyhow) the night before, but it’s hard to sleep when Paris is right outside your window, and pains au chocolat are right downstairs!

Although it was raining, after breakfast we returned to the Quartier Latin, this time for the “literary walking tour” outlined in one of our travel guides. The entire tour would have taken three hours, but because of my ankle we decided to just do a few highlights: the Hemingway stuff. I had read “A Moveable Feast” in preparation for our Paris trip, and was excited to see the places where “Papa” lived and worked in Paris.

74 rue Cardinal Lemoine, where Hemingway lived with his first wife, Hadley, and their son

37 rue Descartes, where Hemingway wrote. This building is also where the poet Paul Verlaine lived (and died).

Place de la Contrescarpe -- a very pretty plaza once described by Hemingway as a "cesspool"... lol.

For lunch, we stopped in at a little pizza restaurant and shared a pie with salami and mortadella, and I had a glass of the house red. Everything, of course, was delicious, and it’s fun to hear French spoken with an Italian accent!

After that, we walked across the Seine to Notre Dame, the famous cathedral immortalized in Hugo’s “Hunchback.” We walked around the outside of the building first, admiring the gothic architecture.

Then we went inside, and in this church, we were actually allowed to take photos (I suspect they got tired of telling people not to!)

One of the little "chapelles" around the perimeter of the cathedral

Matt tries to blend in with the spooky gothic-ness of Notre Dame, lol

We left Notre Dame and crossed back to the Latin Quarter. There were so many cute little shops, and it was time for souvenir shopping. And, when my ankle pain became unbearable, a stop in a boulangerie for another café crème and pain au chocolat ;)

Rue de la Huchette, an old, winding street full of places to eat and shop

We topped off our day with a boat ride along the Seine. We walked along the river to get to the boat, and saw a few cool things along the way:

Le Grand Palais, an exhibition hall

I love these teensy little French cars!

Just thought this tree outside Le Grand Palais was really cool-looking

The Pont Alexandre III bridge

The sky looked so pretty!

The boat ride was a nice, warm break from the cold and rainy streets of Paris, and along the way we we got an extra-special treat:

Un arc-en-ciel! Très beau!

After our boat ride, it was time to say au revoir to the sights of Paris, because our flight would be early the next morning. On the way back to our hotel, we saw a fruit vendor and stopped and got some fraises:

They had some competition from the pains au chocolat, but strawberries are still my favoritest food ;)

I really wish our trip had been longer, because there was so much we didn’t get a chance to see or do (or eat, lol). If – no, WHEN I travel there again, I would love to rent an apartment for two weeks, although I suspect that still wouldn’t be enough! I’m trying to convince Matt that we could live very happily in a little farmhouse outside Paris, but he’s not yet convinced that he could learn enough French to survive…

I cried a bit when our flight took off. Although I missed Jacob, I really did NOT want to come home. Life is so much better when you’re traveling – no work, no cooking, no bills to pay, and someone comes in and cleans your room for you! Add to that the magic of Paris and… I’m surprised they didn’t have to drag me kicking and screaming into the airplane.

I hope you’ve enjoyed my attempts to take you with me on my travels!

Paris: Day 4, or "Do you like sports?"

2008-03-14T11:11:00.004-04:00

Paris Travel Journal

Day 4

I awoke on the morning of 8 March to sunlight streaming through the window of our hotel room. Paris looked beautiful, and I certainly didn’t feel any older ;)

Looking out at my Paris :)

We kept our boissons cold on the windowsill, à la Bill Murray in The Razor's Edge.

After another breakfast of pains au chocolat and other deliciousness, we went back up to our room to make plans for our day. Part of me wanted to just sit all day and allow my ankles some time to mend, but, I mean, it’s Paris! I ignored the pain, donned my ankle brace, popped a few preventative Aleve, and we set out for the Canal Saint-Martin.

We strolled along the canal for an hour or two, enjoying the less-touristy neighborhood and the beautiful scenery. Even though Paris is at a higher latitude than Philadelphia, it seems spring comes a bit earlier there – trees and flowers were beginning to bloom, and everything was just lovely.

Matt said that when we live in Paris, he wants to have an apartment in a building like this, with a little balcony. I'm holding him to it ;)

After our stroll, we got on the Métro for a few stops toward Père-Lachaise Cemetary, where some very famous people are buried. But first, we stopped in at a Sandwiches Turcs shop (roughly the Parisian equivalent of a cheesesteak place in Philly – there’s at least one on every major street!). Warm sandwiches served on yummy bread with, of course, frites.

We walked towards the cimetière, which I’d first wanted to visit when I read that it was where Jim Morrison was buried – not that I’m a big fan of The Doors, but visiting his famously defaced grave, as I told Matt, is a “thing” (my description of something that people just need to do or have for reasons that I can’t quite comprehend). Then when I’d read more about the cemetery, I’d learned that many, many important and famous people had been interred there (Édith Piaf, Oscar Wilde, Sarah Bernhardt, Marcel Proust, Gertrude Stein, Frédéric Chopin, etc), and decided it might be an interesting place to visit.

As we approached the cemetery, we saw a man selling maps at the entrance. We said “Bonjour,” but he was American and could tell we were, too. He asked us where we were from, and we told him, and he asked if we had any “greenbacks” – he would sell us the map for two American dollars rather than two Euros, which he called “Monopoly money.” We looked at one another, forked over the $2 and said thanks, wondering if the guy had any clue that the dollar is worth considerably less than the Euro! We figured he must have been in Paris a looooong time ;)

The cemetery is something to behold… you step off a noisy, crowded street into a quiet place with tall trees and cobblestoned streets… it’s like stepping through a door into another world.

It’s over 100 acres, and the graves, memorials and tombs are all really interesting to see. There are memorials to the victims of the Holocaust, to people who died for the French resistance during World War II, and to the soldiers who helped liberate the Nazi concentration camps. Matt and I both got a bit emotional reading the markers.

We found several of the graves that I wanted to see, but unfortunately, the cimetière was closing and they kicked us out before we got a chance to see Jim Morrison’s famous grave. Ah, well.

Sarah Bernhardt, actress

Oscar Wilde, Irish writer. The tradition is for female visitors to leave a lipstick kiss on his tomb...

Gertrude Stein, American writer who was born in Pennsylvania and spent most of her life in Paris (hmm... why do I feel drawn to her? lol...). Her love, Alice Toklas, is buried in the same grave, and her name and dates of birth & death are etched on the back of the stone.

Édith Piaf, famous French chanteuse (singer) and subject of the recent film La Vie En Rose, for which Marion Cotillard won the Oscar for Best Actress just a few weeks ago.

After leaving Père-Lachaise, we went back to the hotel room to relax for a bit before setting out for the Latin Quarter for dinner and a show. On the way back to the hotel, we spied a flower vendor on the street and Matt bought me a lovely little bouquet of daffodils… my favorite!

I didn’t have a vase, so we improvised ;)

Getting off the Metro in the Quartier Latin, we knew we had found the happenin’ part of town. The streets were crowded with people our age and younger, smoking and laughing. There were lots of bars, clubs, shops, restaurants, etc. We found a place to eat dinner, and ordered moules (mussels) à la crème, steak with a creamy bleu cheese sauce, and for dessert, and apple tart that made me weak in the knees.

After dinner, there was a very special show I’d been hoping to see. Can you guess what it was?

Yes! The Rocky Horror Picture Show, of course! The Paris RHPS cast was THE BEST cast I have ever seen, and I could only understand half of what they were saying! They do some of the more traditional callbacks in English, but they have their own French callbacks as well, and their props and costumes are flawless. Best of all, they get really involved with the audience, and there is never a dull moment in the tiny basement theater where the show takes place. My favorite moment was during the Janet bedroom scene, when their Frank-N-Furter, played by the delightful Antoine, came over to me (we were sitting right in the front row) and asked me a question in French. I just looked at him helplessly, but he quickly switched to English: “Do you like sports?”

“A little,” I replied.

“Well, you’ll like this one!” he said, grabbing my ankles and, well, basically dry-humped me while yelling things like “We will try out for the Olympics! We will be the French-American team!” as I melted into a pool of helpless giggles in my seat.

After the show, we chatted a bit with another American who'd been in the audience, and then it was time to head home. (It really was beginning to feel like home...)

Notre chambre is the center room at the top of the photo.

All in all, I’d have to say that it really was a rather wonderful day… and, as was the point of the trip in the first place, the number 34 was the farthest thing from my mind ;)

Coming soon: Day 5!

Paris: Day 3, or "I said I wanted to go to the top; I didn't say I wasn't scared!"

2008-03-13T09:17:00.005-04:00

Paris Travel Journal

Day 3

On Day 3 of our trip (Day 2 in Paris), we woke up refreshed after finally getting some decent sleep. After showering and getting dressed, we went downstairs to the lobby of the hotel for breakfast, where we got to savor our first *real* French croissants! Coffee, pains au chocolat (chocolate croissants – my new favorite food!), mini-baguettes, frommage (cheese), salami, and dried apricots (soooo tender and sweet – nothing like the ones we have here!) were also sampled by moi. Matt the non-foodie had a bowl of cereal… and got the “I didn’t fly over 3500 miles to eat cereal!” from me. LOL.

After breakfast, we bundled up and set out for Le Tour Eiffel! I was soooo excited… I felt like I would *really* know I was in Paris once I got a glimpse of the famous Tower.

We took the Métro (Parisian subway) from our hotel. The subway system in Paris is similar to the one in New York; there are many different lines which run to all parts of the city, and you’re never more than a few blocks from a Métro station... ours was half a block from our hotel.

After we changed trains from the one that took us from our hotel to the one that would take us to Le Tour Eiffel, a man with an accordion boarded our subway car. Once the train started moving, he started to play, and it was so pretty and so Parisien that I almost cried from sheer happiness.

We had to get off the Métro one stop early because the one nearest the Eiffel Tower was closed for repairs. We came out of the station, rounded the corner, and I gasped – there it was! The very symbol of Paris!

We took many photos along the walk towards the tower, crossing a bridge over the Seine.

We walked along the river until we reached the Tower. The closer we got, the more amazing it was. It’s HUGE. As we walked underneath, Matt asked “why do my feet hurt when I look up at it?” I had to laugh, because I really did marry my mother – she gets “pains in her feet” contemplating heights, too!

We got in line for tickets to go to the top of the Tower. There are three levels; you can buy a ticket to any of them. Matt asked me if I wanted to go all the way to the top. "Mais oui!" While waiting, we chatted with the couple behind us, who were from the Canary Islands, and we sampled some frites from the concession stand. Matt had a coke and I had a café crème that I promptly declared “the best coffee I’ve ever tasted in my life.”

A word about French food – everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING tastes better in Paris. From the obvious things like croissants, chocolate, and rich, buttery sauces, to even things like potato chips, Coca-Cola (made with real sugar -- no high fructose corn syrup!), and mayonnaise. Food is intended to be enjoyed. The point of eating in France is not to just satisfy hunger (which we Americans tend to do by gulping down as many bland calories as we can, as cheaply as possible, while dashing from one place to another) but to really experience the sensual pleasures of food – the tastes, the aromas, the textures. One of my only regrets about our Paris trip is that I didn’t have enough time to sample as many different foods as I wanted... but everything I did get a chance to eat was divine.

After waiting in line for what felt like a hundred years, we finally boarded the elevator which would take us to the second level, after which we’d get a second elevator to the top. The elevators go right up the “legs” of the tower, and it’s a bit unnerving to watch the ground drop away from this tiny car filled with people! Matt looked at my face and teased me about being afraid. I replied, “I said I wanted to go to the top; I didn’t say I wasn’t scared!”

It was a looooong line for tickets to the top!

We spent some time on the second level before journeying to the top. We took lots of photos, of course. I stopped in at the gift shop and bought a mini-replica Tour Eiffel for Jacob, as well as a few other souvenirs. Then we boarded the elevator and soon we were about 300 meters off the ground! I tiptoed to the edge to peer down. The view was dizzying. And yes, you really can see all the way to the ocean.

Holding on for dear life!

Matt can't even look!

The view from the top

On the way down, we stopped on the first level, where we mailed some postcards from La Poste and sat for a bit before journeying back down to the ground. There was an ice replica of the Tower on the first level – when Jacob saw our photos of it, he declared it the “Ice-el Tower” ;)

While waiting for the elevator, the tendonitis in my ankles really started to flare up from all the standing I’d done that day. It’s odd; I can walk moderate distances without much trouble, but if I stand in one place for more than ten minutes I can really screw up my ankles. We thought about calling it a day and heading back to the hotel, but I decided to ignore the pain and keep going.

The wheels that move the elevator cables... just watching them turn is enough to make you dizzy!

Au revoir, Tour Eiffel!

After leaving the Tower, it was back to the Métro, which we took to the Musée du Louvre, home of some of the most famous art in the entire world. Before going into the museum, we had dinner in the food court below. Yes, it’s a food court – but nothing like the food courts of American malls. There are several stands serving different types of cuisine from all over the world. I considered carefully and opted (quelle surprise!) for the French: a generous filet of salmon topped with a creamy sauce, vegetable gratin, couscous, and a glass of rosé. (Oh, how I adore being in a city where a soda, a glass or wine or a beer all cost the same!) Matt the non-foodie had a burger and frites. Well... to each their own!

I discreetly put my feet on the chair across from mine while we ate, hoping that would help ease the inflammation in my ankles. Afterwards, we went into the museum and viewed the Venus de Milo, Winged Victory, and several other Greek/Roman pieces before going up to the first floor to see the most famous painting in the world, Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa. Despite the admonishing of the museum’s brochure that no photographs should be taken on the first floor, people were snapping flash photos of the painting while the museum guards just stood watching. (My dad’s theory as to why they don’t care if people take photos: it’s not the real Mona Lisa.)

The infamous inverted pyramid

Venus de Milo -- I have a miniature replica of this sculpture in my bedroom, which my parents brought back from their trip to the Greek Isles.

Winged Victory -- this statue is near and dear to my heart, because she was one of the symbols of my high school. We had a life-sized replica of her in our "Pink Marble Hall".

The most famous painting in the world -- Da Vinci's La Giaconda, or in English, the Mona Lisa.

By the time we left the hall where Mona Lisa was, I was in tears from my ankle pain. We sat for a bit and then ventured back to our hotel. I took some Aleve and Matt went to the convenience store near the hotel and got me a Heineken, which helped a bit. A quick phone call to our boy, and we were soon fast asleep.

Coming soon: Day 4!

Paris: Day 1 & 2, or "I'm hungry, and it's chicken!"

2008-03-12T09:39:00.006-04:00

Paris Travel Journal

Day 1 & 2:

Day one doesn’t really count as a Paris day; we began traveling on 5 March, but didn’t arrive in Paris until 7am on 6 March. We got up early, did some last-minute packing, and drove with my dad and Jacob to the Trenton train station. After goodbye hugs and kisses, we took the train into NYC and the subway to JFK airport. Our flight was scheduled to depart at 5:55pm but didn’t get off the ground until about 7pm due to delays. The pilot said we would make up the time by following a slightly different flight plan (and we did arrive in Paris on time).

The food on the flight was laughable; it was almost like they wanted to give you one last reminder that American food is absolute swill compared with what we’d be eating in Paris. I choked down a few bites of rubbery chicken and decided to forgo the solid white lump that I can only guess was supposed to be mashed potatoes. I tried to sleep, but it just wasn’t happening, so I half-watched the in-flight movies (Bee Movie and Apollo 13) and tried to stay comfy. In the morning, the airline’s final send-off was what were supposed to be croissants (crescent shaped bread does not a croissant make!) for breakfast.

Landed in Paris and breezed through customs, where I had my first chance to practice my “Bonjour!” While waiting for our baggage, Matt befriended an American expat who offered to share a cab ride with us to the 18^th arrondisement, where our hotel was. It was nice to not have to take yet another series of trains.

Arrived at the hotel at about 8:30am Paris time (2:30am Philly time). Checked in, but our room wouldn’t be ready until 2pm (8am Philly time), so we left our bags and walked outside with our map, exhausted with no idea what to do next!

I knew I would function better after some caffeine, so after wandering aimlessly for a few blocks, we stopped at a café. “Bonjour!” (I’m loving this!) We chose a table and I ordered a café crème (similar to a cappuccino), and Matt got a jus d'ananas (pineapple juice).

My très sexy husband!

Tired, but very happy to be in Paris!

We examined our map and listened to the patrons conversing in French (I could just sit for hours and listen to people speaking French! Je l’aime!) We decided to walk a bit farther south, up the hill of Montmartre to see the Basilique du Sacré-Coeur and the windmills.

We walked up 200, oui, 200 steps to Montmartre.

As soon as we reached the top, the street “artists” began offering to draw our picture... we just shook our heads and said “non, merci” over and over again. There were several souvenir shops and cafes along the street we turned down, and Matt went in to find a hat and scarf (he’d forgotten his at home). After he was properly outfitted for the cold, we went a bit further down the street, and suddenly the Sacré Coeur popped into view!

We took in the view both of the church and of Paris beneath. Both were breathtaking.

Took lots of photos of the outside of the church, but once we got inside we were forbidden to take any more – a pity, because the inside of the domes is really cool. A mass was being held while we were inside, so we had to be quiet as we “ooohed” and “aaahed” at everything. After exploring the church, we went back outside and headed to the Place du Tertre, a square where lots of artists have paintings for sale.

We had lunch in a small sandwich shop on the square (jambon avec frommage on a baguette, and a Nutella crêpe) and then wandered down the other side of the hill in search of les moulins (windmills).

We took a look at our map, and while we were trying to figure out which way to go, a kind old French man asked us (in French, of course) what we were looking for. I told him “the Moulin Rouge” and tried my best to understand his directions. While it turns out that he did point us the right way, we got lost twice more before finally finding the Moulin Rouge! On the way, we also passed the Moulin de la Galette, the other famous windmill of Montmartre, and a couple of French-speaking tourists asked if I spoke French and if I knew were the Salvador Dali museum was… I hoped that meant that I didn't look like a tourist! LOL.

By the time we made it down the hill to the Moulin Rouge, we were both beyond tired (we’d been awake for about 25 hours). There was no way we were walking back up the hill and over to our hotel! So, we hailed a taxi and rode back to the hotel, where our nice cozy room was finally ready for us. I fell asleep as soon as my face hit the pillow.

Our hotel room, number 34. We also sat in row 34 of the airplane. I'm beginning to sense a theme about this trip...

We napped for about 3.5 hours and then showered, changed and headed out for dinner. After browsing through "our" neighborhood a bit, we found a place that looked good. I got to practice my French quite a bit, as the waitress spoke no English, but was very forgiving of my “Franglish”! I had a glass of Alsatian wine, Matt had a Coke, and we ordered the poulet roti and frites for dinner, with a crudité (grated raw veggies with vinaigrette) and charcuterie (assorted pork sausages) for starters. And of course, crème brûlée for dessert. Yum! I asked my husband the non-foodie if he liked his dinner. His response: "Hey, I'm hungry, and it's chicken."

Matt looks très French in his scarf!

Mmm... wine!

The crème brûlée didn't last long enough to have its photo taken!

We walked back to the hotel, silly from wine and punchy from too little sleep. On the way we took photos of a few things which amused us:

Matt thought the door handle on this phone booth had an intriguing shape ;)

So, in French the word "assiette" means an assortment, in culinary terms it means an assortment of food. However, when they abbreviate it, it takes on a whole new meaning to a couple of American tourists with a 4th grade sense of humor!

Yet another reason why Paris is the most romantic city on earth: this florist shop has a 24-hour vending machine, so you can drop your money in and pick up a bouquet for your amour, day or night!

Then it was back to the hotel, where we giggled over French-dubbed American TV, and called home to talk to Jacob before drifting back into dreamland until morning.

Coming soon: Day 3!

Nine

2008-03-03T10:58:00.004-05:00

I'm a lazy blogger. Haven't posted anything here in a couple of weeks! I've started several posts but haven't had the perseverance to finish writing anything. Blame it on stress - both good and bad.

Today is my baby's 9th birthday. WOW. Let me just tell you -- nothing could have prepared me for how quickly that was going to go past...

I look at him and I still see the tiny cuddly guy they placed in my arms after my c-section... but he's almost as tall as me now! Eek! How does that happen?! *Sigh*... where did the time go? And after nine years, don't you think I'd have the hang of this parenting gig? I'm still flying by the seat of my pants!

This Saturday, another significant date will come to pass, but I'll barely notice it, because I'll be in Paris :) Yes, our trip is finally here! Yay! I really need to start packing! I can't wait. Just two more days...

;)

Assorted, unrelated ramblings

2008-02-17T23:31:00.004-05:00

I feel like dog poo. I think I have may have somehow caught the "thing that's going around", which starts with a sore throat , headache and backache. My mom had it two weeks ago and my sister had it last week, so I guess it's my turn. Great!

Tonight I attended a viewing for my great-uncle, who at age 93 was the last of my grandfather's generation to pass away. It's strange; I don't know very many old people anymore. Matt still has two living grandparents, and I have a few great-aunts on my mom's side, but I rarely see any of them. Thinking about it really makes me miss my grandmother. It's amazing that after more than three years the pain of losing her is still so fresh.

The completely unrelated good news: For the past week or so, I've noticed something strange about myself when I look in the mirror. I have a neck! Yeah! Not just a mound of chins, but an actual neck. The double-chin is still there to a degree, but it has shrunk an impressive amount -- I was looking at photos from just a year ago and can't believe the difference. I like it!

;)

Les gens sont des idiots

2008-02-14T14:34:00.000-05:00

Reason number 57,428 why I'm glad I don't have to work outside the home: I don't have to deal with morons who -- in 2008 -- disparage the idea of traveling to France because they didn't support us in going to war with Iraq. WTF? I didn't even think we had such idiots conservateurs in Philly --which may be a backwater, but hey, at least we usually vote democrat -- but apparently we do, and they all work in Police Radio. My poor husband...

Cleared for takeoff

2008-02-11T12:42:00.000-05:00

Today I had my post-op appointment with my doctor, and everything looks good. I can resume normal activities. Though, I still think it may be another week or so before I do any serious kickboxing or ab crunches.

After the tree episode last week (my street looks just *bizarre*, btw... I can't find my house) I got a bit sidetracked, but today I'm giving out blog awards! Yes!

(Look at that, I finally figured out how to post a picture in the middle of the blog. Go me!)

And the awards go to....

1) Lover of Dolphins, or "Jax", as I call her, is one of my favorite online friends, a fellow homeschooling mom and a kindred spirit. Like me, she is passionate about the things that matter to her, and she has held my hand through many of life's ups and downs over the years.

2) What is it? Anna is a woman I admire for so many reasons. She's an amazing mom, she has her hand in many different creative endeavors and she seems to really enjoy life -- something I aspire to!

3) Beauty Secrets Unveiled Lisa is a fountain of information on natural health and home remedies. I was once suffering with a sinus infection for the better part of a month, and she taught me some really useful ways of getting rid of the congestion without needing prescription or even OTC meds. I'm really learning a lot from this blog!

4) Discursiveness Anne is one of my oldest online friends -- I've known her for over ten years -- she's a great writer and she really needs to blog more ;)

Voilà! Les blogs excellents! ;)

Obituary

2008-02-06T12:06:00.001-05:00

Today I awoke to the sounds of a dear friend being murdered.

(Is that too harsh?)

This tree (photo taken May 2007), which has stood on the sidewalk out front of my house for many, many years -- well before I bought the house nine years ago -- is no more. Thanks to a few of my idiot neighbors and the City of Philadelphia, the tree has been cut down with chainsaws and run through a chipper. For the first few minutes, all I could do was watch and cry... eventually, I had to turn away.

Since moving here, I've marked the changing seasons by this tree, getting excited at the first budding leaves of springs and the first hint of autumn red and gold. I've relied on it to help cool my house in the summer, when the afternoon sun's rays were filtered through its leaves. I've enjoyed hearing the rustle of the leaves as a breeze blows through on warm summer evenings. And, as I could always see the tree through my bedroom window with my head on my pillow, it has been a comforting presence in times of sorrow -- anyone remember the scene from Phenomenon when John Travolta reminds Kyra Sedgwick of how she rocked her children when they were small and then points out the swaying movement of the trees... yeah.

So, I'm more than a bit teary-eyed today, and I keep begging Matt to say that we can move... I don't think I can set foot outside my front door right now. I can't even bring myself to look out the window...

:(

My patriotic duty

2008-02-05T22:30:00.001-05:00

Lots of people voted today... yay! Unfortunately, we Pennsylvanians don't get to vote in the primary for another few months. But today I got to participate in a different part of the democratic process: jury duty.

Most people I know hate jury duty; I've even talked to a few people who refuse to register to vote so that they won't get put into the jury pool. But aside from the getting up early part, I don't really see it as all that much of a chore. I get to spend a few hours among adults, sit in a comfy chair and read my book, and I get 10% off my lunch at Reading Terminal Market (today's lunch: pad thai with shrimp and a spring roll... yum!) If that's the price I have to pay every few years for the right to vote, so be it. Plus, I'd like to think that if I was ever accused of a crime, there would be someone like me on the jury. I have been summoned 4 or 5 times and have never gotten picked for a jury (might have something to do with all my close associations with police employees!) so for me it's just a break in my routine, which is always nice. My biggest concern today was the discomfort of sitting for long stretches (the stitches are still bothering me a bit) and the possibility of getting picked for a trial that would last into next week and prevent me from getting to my post-op appointment. Fortunately, I didn't have to worry about it, and I was home before 2pm.

When I got home today, I had a message from my friend Misty saying that she had given me a blog award! How cool! It made me very happy :) I also get to pass the award on to some other excellent bloggers, and I will post a list in tomorrow's blog!

Not quite as good as a tour, but...

2008-02-04T12:40:00.000-05:00

From what I can tell after reading dozens of websites and blogs on the topic, the NKOTB *are* reuniting... but not for a tour. Rather, as is becoming increasingly common nowadays, they are going to do a reality show.

I can't say I'm not disappointed -- I was really looking forward to that concert of 30-something women screaming over our former idols! But I'll probably watch the show, anyhow. I just hope it's not on cable!

Walking around my 'hood

2008-02-03T18:54:00.000-05:00

This afternoon, in an effort to 1) get some sunshine and fresh air and 2) not allow 2 weeks of absence from the gym coupled with it being Girl Scout Cookie time to undo 10 months hard work, I went for a walk around my neighborhood. This is something I rarely do; it's not that I live in a bad neighborhood, it's just that I have a mean case of car ass. In fact, I would say that my weight problem began at precisely the same time that I got my first car.

It was absolutely beautiful out today, about 50 degrees and sunny. Although I have been lamenting the lack of snow this winter, I was glad for the early-spring-like weather. No gloves or hat necessary (thanks, global warming!)

My mind has been a jumbled mess of late, and it was refreshing to give my brain (not to mention my eyes) something else on which to focus my attention. For the first few minutes I just paid attention to the feel of my sneakers hitting the pavement, the cool air on my cheeks, and the sounds of outside. I walked past the Burger King and smelled the burgers grilling, which always reminds me of summer.

I turned onto the "Ave" and continued to walk past the cemetery and towards the park. My mind wandered back to my high school days when I used to walk absolutely everywhere, and cover huge distances -- my best friend lived almost 4 miles away, and we walked it many times. I had one boyfriend who I used to walk all over the place with, both in our neighborhoods and downtown Philly, and we would try to get lost on purpose just so we could try and find our way back. My only problem was my finely tuned internal compass that made getting lost extremely difficult!

I took a different route back towards my house and noticed some interesting backyards. One thing about Philly backyards -- they are so small, they're almost impossible to see with the naked eye. I kid, but really, what we have doesn't even really qualify as a backyard. Really, it's just a driveway with a patch of grass next to it measuring maybe 3x6 feet. In case you ever wondered why I garden in containers, there's your answer! But -- I walked past a few houses that had really interesting gardens (or, you could tell, even in their winter hibernation state, that they had been interesting!), and I got some new ideas for what to do with my veggies this year.

When I reached my front steps, my heart was beating fast and I was tired and out of breath -- ah yes, I remember this feeling! (Gosh, I miss the gym!) It felt really good to get out after a week of being cooped up and thinking the same thoughts over and over. I feel like I would like to get out and take walks more often, but I'm not going to make it a goal or anything -- if it happens, it happens. But it will definitely happen at least once or twice more until I have the green light to get back to my regular workout routine.

And I can't wait for spring...

My childhood, revisited...?

2008-01-30T11:35:00.001-05:00

(Thanks, Jess, for the info!)

So People magazine is reporting that New Kids on the Block are getting back together.

Wow.

Okay, dorky admission time... once upon a brief time, like most of the girls my age, I adored them. I had all of their tapes (tapes!), posters on my wall, buttons on my jacket, and I saw them in concert at least twice. Donnie was my favorite. I even dressed up as him for Halloween... with a shirt that said "Home Boy" and a peace sign around my neck. LOL.

So yeah, I'm really amused that they're getting back together. Too funny. A bunch of 35-to-40-year-olds dancing around, calling themselves "New Kids"... tee hee. I can't wait. I'm making my friend Jess promise that we will go see them in concert (if it comes to that). I'll have to dig out my buttons...

Post-Op

2008-01-28T16:36:00.000-05:00

I have to say that for 3 days post-op, I feel pretty damn good. Not like I want to run a marathon, but just the fact that I'm awake and alert and not howling in pain is good. I'm even off the Percocet and just taking Aleve now.

My surgery went very well; as I suspected, my reproductive system was a hot mess. I'll spare you all the intimate details, but suffice it to say that my chances of achieving a pregnancy are now significantly improved. (Yay!) And on top of that, the unbearable pain in my right hip and across my lower back is gone. (Yay again!)

I got to the hospital around 10:30 am, had my vitals checked and received my lovely hospital wardrobe (gown, robe, non-slip socks). After taking my medical history, the nurse started my IV and then Matt was able to come sit with me for a while and read from our Paris guidebook before they wheeled me off to the OR.

Once I was in the OR, I got onto the table and the nurses made me warm and comfy. I was trying not to freak out about the anestheisia; I think I did okay. The anesthesiologist came and put those awful sticky things on my chest and started the medicine to make me sleepy. The dots on the ceiling started swimming, but I fought the urge to sleep because I wanted to see my doctor's face before I drifted off. I turned my head to the side and I saw him. He waved at me and I laughed. I asked him for some U2, and he obliged. I drifted off to the opening verse of "One" :)

Afterwards, I had a hard time waking up from the anesthesia. I kept forgetting to breathe on my own, and my pulse ox stats would drop each time they tried to take me off oxygen. And then I had a lovely bout of vomiting in the recovery room. But eventually I made it through. And my throat isn't even sore.

My sister was here to take care of Jacob during my surgery, and she stayed in town an additional day to help out and cook us all kinds of yummy food. And Matt, my hero, has been working himself so hard to take good care of me that he wound up getting sick! So he's napping now... poor guy. Good thing he took a week off from work.

My post-op appointment is two weeks from today, and at that point we'll assess and figure out when we can start another cycle of treatment. I'm very hopeful! In the meantime, Matt and I are watching movies (last night: Paris Je T'aime and Harold and Kumar go to White Castle... lol) and doing crosswords and such. I have a feeling I'm going to be missing the gym soon...

;)

I'm alive :)

2008-01-27T16:44:00.000-05:00

Just a quick hello from Percocet-land... I'll post more tomorrow, but wanted to let you guys know I'm okay.

Offline for a bit

2008-01-24T12:56:00.000-05:00

Warning: this blog is a little bitchy and angst-ridden...

So I'll be offline for the next few days. My surgery is tomorrow (look! I already have my pretty plastic bracelet!) and I'm trying really hard not to freak out. It's not the surgery itself that scares me, but the anesthesia. I hate being under, I hate being on a ventilator because my lungs will be paralyzed, I hate loss of control, I hate that general anesthesia always carries the risk of death. Matt has instructions on what to do if I don't wake up, but that really gives me no peace of mind...

I'm cooking myself a big pot of Italian wedding soup today to eat over the weekend (last time I had surgery my throat was so sore from the vent tube, I could only eat soft foods for about a month) and trying to get some laundry and cleaning done. I hurt my shoulder last night and I'm not allowed any pain meds because they can interfere with bleeding. So I get to go to the gym today in pain, and with this goofy hospital bracelet on my arm. Fun stuff.

Hyperventilating? Me? What gave you that idea?

*deep breath*

Okay... on another subject... here's an amazing video:

I mean, not only is it Johnny Cash, but Bono, the Dixie Chicks, Johnny Depp... could there be a more perfect video? (I think not!) I even love the song. Yep... I've definitely been cut down, as of late.

Wish me luck. I'll be back sometime next week... hopefully.

xoxo

Blog for Choice Day

2008-01-22T12:07:00.000-05:00

Taking a slightly different than usual perspective on the matter of choice...

I am a mother. I always wanted to be a mother. I wanted my career to be my life with my family. In one high school class, we were required to make a collage of things we wanted in our lives, and mine had a big picture of a gorgeous, smiling baby in the middle.

I fought a difficult battle with infertility to get to be a mother. I was 23 when I started treatments, and at that time I was the youngest patient my doctor had ever treated. Through his skill and a stroke of good fortune, I was able to conceive and give birth to a wonderful little boy (who is almost as tall as me now!). And I am still fighting the battle with infertility, as I don't feel my family is yet complete.

The choice to become a parent is maybe *the* most life-altering decision a woman can make. I didn't make it lightly. But this is my choice. I chose to be a mother. I'm choosing to have a second child, if possible. There are some who don't agree with my decisions. With my IQ (148) I had the potential to "do something" with my life, and at 23 having babies should have been the furthest thing from my mind. But I made the choice that was right for me, and I don't regret it.

I imagine what it might have been like not to have a choice. What if I had gone to the doctor at age 23 and he had refused to treat me, because of my age or economic status? What if he refused to treat me now, because of my advancing years? What if the law stated that people under a certain age -- or over a certain IQ! -- couldn't have children, and had to make some sort of economic contribution to society? Should someone else be able to decide for me if and when I should become a parent? Even if they believe with their whole heart and soul that it's not the right path for me?

Of course not. It's my decision, and nobody else has the right to interfere with my choice for my life. We can't just arbitrarily decide for someone else what their choice should be, no matter how strong our convictions to the contrary.

They took your life, they could not take your pride

2008-01-20T12:03:00.000-05:00

This is a repost (with a few slight modifications) of a blog entry I originally posted on my Myspace, January 15, 2007:

Two years ago, I traveled to Atlanta, GA to attend the funeral of my close friend Jimmy. While I was in the city, I also had a chance to visit the Martin Luther King, Jr. National Historical Site, which included a tour of the home in which Dr. King was born and raised, the church where he began his ministry, and his and his wife's gravesites. It was an amazing honor to be able to stand in the room in which he took his first breath, and to stand in front of his grave.

In my churchgoing days I used to say that the first person I wanted to meet when I got to heaven was Dr. King. My beliefs in the afterlife may have changed somewhat, but that desire is still with me. What an amazing human being.

Happy Birthday, Dr. King... and may your Dream come true.

Hooray for celebrity gossip

2008-01-19T23:48:00.000-05:00

It's so much fun to stand in line at the supermarket. Where else can a woman who's battling infertility read no less than six different magazine covers telling her which celebrities have recently had babies (Christina Aguilera, Nicole Richie), which celebrities are expecting (Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston, Matthew McConaughey), and which ones are trying again? (Britney? Oh sweetie, really?)

At least Halle, pregnant at 41, gives me hope... the rest of it is just annoying. Are people really this obsessed by celebs, that we need every magazine at eye level to be talking about pregnancy, pregnancy, pregnancy? Whatever happened to Kirstie Alley's battle with her weight?

Sigh...

Oh, and just to prove that I'm no better than anyone else in the celebrity-obsession department, has anyone else heard the rumor that Will Smith is now a scientologist? Say it ain't so, Will!

*big heaving sigh*

Joyeux anniversaire à moi!

2008-01-19T12:25:00.000-05:00

I don't want to turn 34.

34 is a scary number. Because 34 is right before 35, and I don't EVER want to turn 35.

I'm not done having babies, and my fertility is already in the crapper, but 35 is when things are supposed to *really* get bad fertility-wise. And if I do get pregnant, want to know what the term is for a pregnancy in which the mother is over 35? A senile pregnancy. Isn't that nice?

So, yeah, I'm really not to keen on turning 34, what with all the senility lingering just around the bend. So I've cooked up a scheme -- if I'm not in the country or time zone in which I was born, then 34 won't be able to find me, and therefore I can bypass all the age-changing.

And so I'm going to Paris.

Yep -- for several lovely days at the beginning of March, I will be in La Ville-lumière (City of Lights) with my wonderful husband. I have dreamed of going to Paris my entire life. It's always topped my "Places I want to see before I die" list. I can't even really believe I am going. Somebody pinch me!

Now, what should I pack....?

More on Mindfulness

2008-01-15T22:20:00.000-05:00

So I figured out one other thing -- besides making spaghetti sauce -- that I do mindfully, and that is boxing. The fact is, when you're boxing, you really can't focus on anything else. And, if you do, your trainer will sucker-punch you in the gut like mine did today. LOL.

Before my trainer session today, I did the yoga class at my gym, hoping for a bit of mindfulness as well as expanding my practice beyond the one DVD I own. The class was harder than I thought it would be, but I kept up pretty well. The only problem I had was that I was watching myself among all the skinnier women in the mirrors, thinking "dear god I'm fat... good lord, if I'm this fat now, how fat was I when I was fatter than this?" Yeah... well. We all do it. But... I enjoyed the class overall, so I'm going again next week, and I'm not going to look in the mirror at all :P

So, two hours at the gym, and I couldn't figure out just why I was so exhausted tonight lying on the couch while watching American Idol. Ha ha. I'm sore, but I feel good...

;)

Wishes and Favorites

2008-01-15T11:34:00.000-05:00

I'm stealing these two ideas from Misty and combining them into one blog post! It's good to have things like this to focus on (waste my time doing?) to take my mind off being depressed and dreading my surgery in ten days...

First, a few of my favorite things:

1. Flowers. Daisies, in particular.
2. Strawberries, especially when they're so ripe that they're almost purple, and the juice dribbles down your chin the second you bite into them.
3. The ocean.
4. Books.
5. Clean sheets on my bed.
6. Working out with my trainer.
7. Johnny Depp.
8. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
9. Brown Cow Whole Milk Yogurt (especially the Apricot Mango).
10. Vietnamese grilled meatballs wrapped in rice paper with noodles and basil and mint...
11. Knowing that there is a U2 CD to fit every one of my moods.
12. Travel.
13. Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Castille Soap.
14. Going out dancing and drinking with friends, both old and new.
15. Swimming.
16. Campfires.
17. Jeans that fit (and are 3 sizes smaller than last year).
18. Sunshine.
19. Buying apples at the farmer's market.
20. Growing vegetables, herbs, and flowers in my garden.
21. Giving gifts.
22. Musicals.
23. Movies I've seen dozens of times and still want to watch again.
24. Learning new things.
25. Curling up in Matt's arms and feeling perfectly content.

Now, two wish lists (and no, not like my 13-page Amazon.com wishlist!)

My Materialistic Wish List:

1. A new baby, preferably of the female variety, but I'll happily take one (or two) of either gender.
2. A house with an actual kitchen, instead of a closet-sized room with only 2 square feet of counter space...
3. More books... because, you know, the overstuffed bookshelves in my dining room surrounded by stacks of books piled on the floor isn't nearly enough ;)
4. Time to write. (Maybe that's not materialistic enough?)
5. Let's be truly self-indulgent, here: A housekeeper/cook.

My Spiritual Wish List:

1. The self-discipline to get up each morning before the kiddo and spend time meditating.
2. The ability to let go of the little (and big) things that bug me and get in the way of my relationships.
3. Mindfulness.
4. The ability to answer questions like, "But why shouldn't Anakin have killed Count Dooku?" in a way that makes sense to an 8-year-old.
5. To meet and talk with Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat Pray Love).
6. (Can I add one more?) To love myself the way Matt loves me -- unconditionally, dutifully, completely, despite all my shortcomings and failures.

Feel free to steal these ideas for your own blog!

;)

The Zen spaghetti sauce recipe

2008-01-11T18:21:00.000-05:00

Per Jenn's request, here is my spaghetti sauce recipe. I took photos of the process, but now I can't figure out how to add more than one photo to the blog. Ah, well, at least I enjoyed myself!

I posted this recipe to a Myspace group a few months back, too. My sister taught me how to make this sauce, which is cheaper, healthier and infinitely yummier than anything you can buy in a jar. Not to mention, of course, the meditative quality of the preparation ;)

The recipe:

1 28-oz. can crushed tomatoes
1 14.5-oz can diced tomatoes, drained
1 6 oz can tomato paste
3-8 cloves garlic, peeled and diced (depending on size of cloves and your personal preference -- I like my sauce extra garlicky)
1/2 small onion, peeled and diced (optional - I'm not a big fan of onion, so I don't usually add it, but it can be yummy!)
basil and oregano to taste (in the summer I use fresh basil and oregano from my garden; in the cooler months I used dried)
olive oil
1-2 tbsp sugar (optional)
meatballs (optional -- recipe follows)

In large pot (dutch oven, soup pot, etc), slowly heat enough olive oil to cover bottom of pot over medium heat. When the oil gets shimmery, raise heat slightly, then add garlic and onions and sautee, stirring frequently, until onions are translucent. Add tomato paste and stir until well combined. Next, add basil and oregano and diced tomatoes and continue to stir. Then add crushed tomatoes, stir again, reduce heat to simmer and cover. (If you want to add meatballs, do it now!) Let simmer at least 1 hour, stirring occasionally. If the sauce is a bit more acidic than you'd like, adding 1-2 tbsp. sugar will reduce the acidity. Skim fat if desired before serving. Serve over hot cooked pasta.

For meatballs:

While the sauce is simmering, combine 1 lb. ground beef (or turkey, or beef/pork/veal meatball mix) with 1 egg and about 1/4 cup Italian seasoned bread crumbs. When well combined, roll by hand into balls about 1 inch in diameter. Brown meatballs in a large frying pan over medium-high heat, until they are browned all over (doesn't matter if they are cooked through -- they have plenty of time to do this while they are simmering in the sauce.) Drop one by one into the sauce, stir gently to cover the meatballs, and simmer for at least 1 hour.

Tips:

Canned tomatoes are readily available in any supermarket. Tastiest brands (IMO) are Muir Glen and Hunt's; cheapest way to go is store brand.

Storing/freezing extra sauce is great for a quick meal (just heat sauce on stove or in microwave, cook some pasta, and you have dinner in less than 15 minutes). I store sauce in the plastic quart wonton soup containers from Chinese takeout (thoroughly washed, of course!) You can also use Ziploc freezer bags for storage -- just make sure the sauce is cooled and that you have someone to help you, as you will need 4 hands to get the sauce into the bag! Sauce can be stored in the fridge for up to a week and in the freezer for several months.

Feel free to experiment by adding sauteed mushrooms, green peppers, etc. to your sauce, and spices such as crushed red pepper, rosemary, etc. It's your own homemade sauce, after all, so it should reflect your tastes :)

Warning: your house will smell AMAZING while the sauce is cooking. Neighbors may drop in unannounced!

The Prince of Darkness!

2008-01-11T00:01:00.000-05:00

Matt and I attended the Ozzy Osbourne concert tonight!

<-- This is Matt being Metal. LOL.

I'd never been to an Ozzy concert before, though Matt has seen him 3 times.... way back before we were together. I tried to remember why I hadn't listened to Ozzy back then and then I remembered that I went to one of those fundie mind-control churches where they considered stuff like Ozzy "devil music" and showed us videos that told us how satanic he was. And that just made me (and my inner rebellious teenager) even happier to be there! LOL.

It was an *awesome* show! Pyrotechnics, a huge coffin-shaped cross with OZZY written across it, girls in the audience flashing boobie, and Ozzy spraying the crowd with foam... lol. I bought a TIGHT t-shirt with "OZZY" across the front in rhinestones. The show was definitely NOT long enough, but concerts rarely are. Ozzy is so cute with his little pot belly. I love just listening to him talk, lol. And Zakk Wilde is amazing on guitar.

He sang one or two songs from his newest album... I *loved* "Not Going Away":

Get out of my way.
There's nothing you can do to change what I say.
I won't ever let go.
I've got the answer,
But you'll never know.
I got my eyes opened wide,
Ain't gonna slip up or slide,
Can't take me down,
After all I'm still crazy...

I love when things like this just fall into your line of vision...

2008-01-08T13:24:00.000-05:00

“You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.” ~ Mary Pickford

Zen and the art of spaghetti sauce

2008-01-07T00:32:00.000-05:00

The past few weeks have been exceedingly stressful for me. My determination to enjoy the holidays no matter what notwithstanding, I've had to deal with not only the minor annoyances that the season always brings, but several things that have sent me reeling.

One of these events was taking my son to get evaluated for Non-verbal Learning Disorder (NLD), putting him through several weeks of testing, and then being told that the reason he displays these symptoms is not because he has a neurological disorder, but because I've done such a shitty job homeschooling him. Yeah -- his inability to write or tie his shoes, his tendency to take things literally, etc are, apparently, all my fault. And the cure, of course? Enroll him in the local public school.

If that doesn't make someone feel like a terrible parent, what will?

Then, of course, there was the negative pregnancy test, finding out I have to have surgery, not getting my father's Xmas gift until January 5th (a word of advice: NEVER order anything from PersonalizationMall.com!), and best of all, old addictive behaviors rearing their ugly head. If there was an award for failure, I think I would win it this year.

I could really use some inner peace.

I've been trying for a long time now to practice meditation, but I always wind up failing. My brain doesn't seem to be wired for it; I can't shut off my thoughts. I've read several books and websites to try and get some insight into the practice, but I always wind up frustrated... and then, of course, I quit trying, which isn't conducive to anything except feeling like a failure, yet again.

Then there's mindfulness, which is sort of a meditative state in which you completely focus on the present moment and the task at hand. I have to admit I'm not very good at this, either -- my mind races at about a billion miles per second and I tend not to experience things while they're happening because my mind is someplace else. However, I do have one task that I am able to do mindfully. Don't laugh -- it's making spaghetti sauce.

Making spaghetti sauce engages all my senses and allows my mind to quiet itself. As I peel and mince the garlic, open the cans of tomatoes, add the spices, I am able to be fully focused on what I'm doing. I don't know why spaghetti sauce does this for me, but I'm grateful that it does. (And I think it's probably not a coincidence that I make a pretty kick-ass sauce.)

Needless to say, I try and make spaghetti pretty often. I may not be a Zen master yet, I may be a terrible parent, I may still be a stressed-out spazz, but at least I have this...

;)

A few words on weight

2007-12-27T14:21:00.000-05:00

As the New Year approaches, we are inundated with advertisements for the weight loss industry. New year, new you... but the same old, tired shtick. They tap into people's (women's, mostly) low self-esteem and sell you on the idea that you can only be happy and healthy if you follow their weight-loss plan.

A few statistics about dieting:

- The diet and weight loss industry is a $30 billion dollar a year operation.

- At any given time, 62% of American adults are dieting, and 18% are constantly on a diet.

- 98% of people who lose weight on a weight-loss diet will gain it all back, and then some, within 5 years.

- The risk of dying from heart disease is increased by 70% in individuals with fluctuating weights (yo-yo dieting) than in individuals with a stable weight, regardless of their weight and other factors such as smoking, blood pressure, and cholesterol.

- The list of illnesses associated with dieting includes: anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, hair loss, gallstones, gall bladder disease, heart disease, ulcers, constipation, anemia, skin rashes, amenorrhea (absence of menstruation), gout, infertility, kidney stones, reduced resistance to infection, osteoporosis, and of course, eating disorders.

- In the USA alone, 150,000 women will die from the effects of eating disorders complications in the coming year.

- Most of the diseases that are touted as being "caused by" being fat -- diabetes, heart disease, etc. -- are actually, at their root, caused by endocrine (hormone) imbalances. One of the first symptoms of any endocrine disorder is weight gain. And so the "cause" -- fat -- is actually a symptom that something is wrong. Many other "fat-related" illnesses are actually caused by yo-yo dieting.

- "Overweight" is a designation based on weight charts, which were based on statistical reports developed by Metropolitan Insurance in 1959. These statistics are based on the normal range of middle- to upper-class white males in the 50's. Do you fit into that category? Me neither. 78% of American adults have a weight that's not in the "normal range".

- People whose weight is 20-40% "over" the charts actually live longer and have lower rates of most cancers, respiratory diseases, and hip and vertebral fractures (all that extra padding is good for something!)

(*these stats courtesy of NAAFA)

But Maggie, you say, you've been regaling us with the tales of your weight loss for 9 months now! You've lost 42 pounds, you look and feel better, and yet you're writing all these damning statistics about weight loss!

Well, actually, these statistics are mostly about dieting, not just weight loss per se. And I'm happy to report that I am not now nor will I ever again be on a weight loss diet. For the past nine months, I've been working out with my personal trainer to improve my overall health and fitness, to build lean muscle mass to make my body's metabolism work more efficiently, to reduce the effects of the multiple endocrine disorders from which I suffer. And yes, I have shed quite a few pounds as the natural result of improving my metabolic profile. But all the while, I've been eating normally.

Now, "eating normally" for me may look a bit different than it does for many Americans. As a rule, I do my best to avoid certain types of foods: overly processed food, hydrogenated fats, refined sugars, aspartame, soy foods, etc. You won't find very many frozen dinners or pre-packaged meals in my fridge or pantry. I only buy organic, full-fat dairy products, free-range meat, poultry and eggs, and as much as possible I buy my produce locally and in season (I make exceptions for things like bananas and lemons, which don't grow locally, but I do try to buy organic versions of these things). But I don't count calories, fat grams, carb grams, or anything else. I don't weigh my food or measure portion sizes -- I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. And yes, I do occasionally indulge in take-out, sweets, and restaurant meals.

I just don't believe that depriving myself of certain foods accomplishes anything other than creating a strong desire to binge on those foods. I don't believe that creating a healthier, stronger body can be accomplished by limiting my calorie intake to near-starving levels. My body needs an abundant variety of healthy, nutritious, "real" foods in order to perform all the functions it needs to every day. My body needs exercise in order to remain healthy, and it needs calories -- energy -- in order to be able to perform the exercises I do. By loving my body and providing it with what it needs, rather than desperately loathing the way I look, I am able to create wellness within myself. It's not about the weight, it's about taking care of me.

Apolitical

2007-12-26T11:30:00.000-05:00

The first presidential primaries will be taking place the next few weeks. Want to know something? I don't even care.

I have yet to find a candidate whom I feel comfortable supporting. But, since I live in Pennsylvania, which doesn't hold its primary until May, it doesn't really matter anyhow. By the time I'm allowed to vote, the Democratic nominee will already have been decided by the voters in other states.

In 2003/4, I was all about Howard Dean. He was my dream candidate -- I couldn't really find an issue on which I disagreed with him. But then he lost out to John Kerry in the early primaries/caucuses, and by the time I got a chance to vote (and I did pull the lever for Dean, anyhow), he wasn't even in the running any longer. And then of course, Kerry lost in the general (did he even try to win?) and the country fell once again into the hands of the Repugnicans.

And so, I feel like I can't even care about the primaries, because I don't have a vote. And this year, even if I did have an actual vote, I don't know who I'd choose. None of the candidates appeal to me. It's almost as if the Democrats have given up, which makes me so sad that I'm becoming increasingly apolitical -- yes, me!

I really wish I didn't feel this way, too, because there are some seriously misguided people trying to hijack this country, and they are VERY political and will do whatever it takes to get their candidate elected. The people who believe that their religion should be the law of the land, and that Jeezus wants us all to have the right to carry concealed semi-automatic weapons, but not the right to universal health care. They would love for religion to shape public policy. For instance, I was reading a message board the other day on which someone actually said that they didn't believe in global warming, because why would "God" create a world that humans could destroy? I threw up a little after reading that.

Increasingly, I feel the desire to flee this country and its backwards, ignorance-driven politics. I told Matt yesterday that what I would really love is to sell one of my books and then be able to buy a small farm in the French countryside. I dream of living in a place like France -- where they have universal healthcare (and live longer), where you can attend college for free, where you can eat French food and drink French wine and speak beautiful French every day! Oui oui! ;)

I know it sounds like an off-the-wall pipe dream, even for me -- I mean, I've never even been to France, and I know that book royalties don't pay quite *that* much -- but the idea of leaving the USA behind is really appealing. It's frustrating to be a progressive in a society that seems bound and determined to move backwards, where even my own political party has taken to kowtowing to the religious right. I've tried for a long time to be a part of the solution, by doing my part and voting, calling/emailing my representatives, donating to progressive causes, going on peace marches, etc., but sometimes I think the most graceful thing a person can do is admit defeat and try to move on rather than continue to bang their head against the wall.

How cool is this?

2007-12-24T11:38:00.000-05:00

You can watch "It's a Wonderful Life" in its entirety online at Google video (and now, at my blog! LOL).

Since I've been feeling a bit George Bailey-ish lately, and I missed seeing it on TV this year, here it is:

Lights, please?

2007-12-23T22:29:00.000-05:00

Despite the fact that I know the Christmas story is just a fable, based on recycled solar mythology that was passed down for thousands of years before Jesus is said to have been born, this remains my absolute favorite holiday special, and this is still my favorite part:

I think that it's because I know now that the story is an ancient one, rather than just a tool of the church (even though that's how it's used) that I still have some reverence for it. The story of the god-man born of a virgin on December 25th is an allegory for the rebirth of the sun -- the light of the world -- at the winter solstice in the constellation of Virgo. The three kings, or three stars in the constellation of Orion, point the way to the place where the sunrise takes place on the morning of December 25th. Everything in the Christmas story (and all the gospel stories, for that matter) is an allegory for the movements of the sun, moon, and stars, which, before the invention of television, were the most fascinating thing for people to stare at in the evening ;) The story -- and the holiday celebrating the winter solstice -- has been recycled and attributed to many gods and religious traditions throughout history, although the original meaning has been all but forgotten.

I love it that when we gather to celebrate Christmas (or whatever we choose to call the celebration we observe at this time of year), we're observing a tradition that goes back tens of thousands of years and that is relevant to all people, rather than exclusionary. The sun is the source of life on this planet. Without it, we'd all perish. And so despite the fact that I am no longer of the Christian persuasion, I still enjoy the "Christmas story" -- because I can recognize it for what it is.

Have a wonderful holiday, everyone!

The traditional holiday hyperventilation

2007-12-21T20:19:00.000-05:00

Xmas is just 4 days away, and I'll never get everything done, and what's worse, the universe is conspiring against me to make my holidays miserable. Truly.

First, my pregnancy test on Monday come up a big fat negative. Then, of course, I spent a stupid amount of time wallowing in my misery and engaging in self-destructive behavior, which always has such wonderful consequences. Bleh.

Then yesterday, after finding the perfect tree, we came home only to find that we couldn't find the lights we usually put on it -- Matt and I have a thing about M&M's, because of our names, and we have these super-cute M&M lights that we always put on our tree. They weren't packed away with any of the other tree decorations. All we could find was these boring plain lights that don't even blink, and I *need* my tree lights to blink, dammit!

I have my dad for family pollyanna this year and I ordered him the coolest gifts, and was so proud that I had gotten my shopping done early. I placed the order on T-giving day for a set of personalized Irish Pub glasses, and everything else I got centered around an Irish Pub theme (a cookbook, mustard flavored with Guinness, etc). Because of the personalization, I expected to wait a while for the glasses, but by Wednesday of this week I had started to panic, so I called the company and they assured me that I would have them by Friday. Yeah. Right. I don't have any glasses, and I see my dad on Monday. WTF?!

So it would seem that even when I'm determined not to let the holidays get me down, I get screwed. So much for putting on a happy face! Bah humbug! Bring on the New Year!

Santa in the Age of Technology

2007-12-18T12:44:00.000-05:00

This Sunday, we took Jacob -- and his list, which he carefully typed out on his computer! -- to see Santa Claus at Neshaminy Mall.

When we got to the part of the mall where Santa was, I was surprised and happy to see that there was almost no line. But, we were soon to find out, there was a reason for the line's absence. It seems that waiting to see Santa, like so many other things in this world, can be improved through the use of technology.

The deal is, you go up to the counter and they give you a pager, which will work anywhere in the mall... similar to the ones they give you in the chain restaurants like Olive Garden. Once they page you, *then* you can come get your photo with Santa. We were told that the wait would be about 2 hours.

Once we got over the initial shock of being handed a pager, I decided that it was probably a good thing to not have to stand in line for two hours, and was able to appreciate Santa's new electronic breakthrough. But it was just so weird that a guy who still travels by sleigh and has all his toys made by elves would be so technologically advanced ;)

Never mind...

2007-12-14T22:37:00.000-05:00

... I toyed with it a bit. It doesn't look like I originally had it, but it'll do.

Help!

2007-12-14T22:31:00.001-05:00

Blogspot is messing up my header now... grr! What do I do?

'Tis the Season

2007-12-12T23:13:00.000-05:00

I'll admit it: the past few years, I've been pretty grinchy. There are a lot of things about this season that annoy me. The crowded malls, the gaudy outdoor displays, the rampant materialism, the fundie-invented "War on Christmas" -- it's all taken a toll on me. But nothing has made this season as difficult as the fact that my grandmother, who loved this time of year more than any other, passed away just 15 days before Christmas in 2004. I miss her terribly. All our little traditions at this time of year, and helping her with preparations, especially as she got older, were things that I really looked forward to. And without her, the holiday feels empty.

But this year, I'm making an effort to really let myself enjoy the season. I've been listening to the all-holiday-music station on the radio, I've got some decorations up, and I'm even thinking about baking cookies. I suggested to my extended family that we do a polyanna among the adults this year, and everyone was enthusiastic about my idea, so fortunately we have less expenses this year. And I'm really looking forward to Christmas Eve at my sister's -- she's making a traditional Italian "seven fishes" dinner. I don't know much about the tradition, but I'm bringing mussels marinara! Yum!

So, in the spirit of allowing the little things to make me happy at this time of year, here's one of my favorite holiday tunes from the 80's. I'm planning on sharing a few more of my faves as the holiday season continues. Enjoy!

Sicko

2007-12-06T14:05:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, Matt and I finally had a chance to rent Sicko, the latest Michael Moore documentary. I honestly don't know what took me so long, as I am an avid fan of his. But no matter your opinion of Michael Moore (or your political leanings), this film is a necessary expose of what really goes on in this for-profit system, and I can't imagine anyone walking away from seeing it without being persuaded that real, lasting change is needed.

I have my own beef with my health insurance company, which refuses to pay for my personal trainer sessions at the gym, which have helped improve my health dramatically as well as facilited a 37.5 (and counting) weight loss, but would have easily approved me (at my starting weight) for weight loss surgery, an expensive, risky procedure with long-term side effects. I pay almost $275 a month for my trainer sessions plus my gym membership, and if I didn't think it was worth every penny, and absolutely necessary for my long-term health and well-being, I wouldn't have such a high credit card bill right now.

I've also been deeply affected by our nation's failure to provide healthcare as a basic, fundamental service to all its citizens. In 2002, Matt's godmother was out of work and had been for some time. However, she made too much money with unemployment -- $20 a month to be exact -- to qualify for medical assistance. She suffered what she believed to be a heart attack, and despite her lack of insurance she went to a local emergency room and tried to get treated. The hospital ran some tests, claimed they couldn't figure out what was causing her pain/shortness of breath/fatigue/etc., and sent her home. Later she tried the same thing at another hospital, where her weight was blamed for her problems. A few weeks later, she died at home, having suffocated as a result of her heart not getting enough oxygen due to scar tissue caused by the heart attack that the hospitals said she never had. She was 54. I believe fully that if she'd been insured, she'd still be alive today.

In Sicko, Michael Moore exposes the lies and propaganda we've all been fed for so many years regarding universal care. He takes a look at the government-provided health care systems of Canada, Britain, France, and even Cuba, and finds that not only do citizens there not have to pay for their health care, they receive care that is superior to what we offer here -- including preventative care -- and they live longer, healthier lives than we do, have lower infant mortality rates, and nobody EVER goes bankrupt because they can't pay their medical bills.

In what was for me the most deeply moving part of the film, Moore exposed the sickening practice of hospitals kicking patients out for not being able to pay. Tears spilled down my cheeks as I watched these poor, often elderly people dumped on the sidewalk, some still in hospital gowns. What kind of a country do we live in, where hospitals can treat people this way? Where profits are so important that we can treat human beings like garbage?

After the first of the year, our insurance co-pay is going up to $20 for a visit to the primary care doctor; $30 for a specialist. The co-pay for my thyroid medication is going up to $40 a month -- that's almost $500 a year out of pocket just for one drug, and Matt takes medicine, too. How long will it be before we have to decide between paying for healthcare and paying our bills?

In my state, SCHIP -- the State Children's Health Insurance Program -- has recently been expanded to cover ALL children not already covered by private insurance or medical assistance. This is definitely a necessary step in the right direction. However, until everyone in this country has the ability to receive healthcare, without worrying about how they're going to pay for it, I really don't think we can call ourselves a civilized country.

Blogging

2007-12-05T15:48:00.000-05:00

My first post on my brand-new blog! I thought it appropriate to blog about, well, blogging.

Seems like everyone has a blog these days; some of us -- like me, now! -- have more than one. So, first a question: why do we blog? What is it that appeals to us about keeping a journal online?
For me, blogging has always been about having a place to express myself, explore my thoughts, and communicate about what's going on in my life. I've never been one to keep a diary or a private journal. I've started dozens of them, but somehow it never seemed like there was a point to writing if I was the only one who would ever read it.

When I was in elementary school, in the dark ages before the internet, my friends and I wrote letters to one another. We used pretty stationary or notecards with pictures of kittens or rainbows, and we poured our hearts out to one another in pink and purple ink. In high school, my close friends and I shared a notebook which we would pass back and forth to one another between classes. In addition to writing notes to one another, we also kept lists of favorite things and pasted clippings from magazines.

I've always felt more at ease expressing myself through writing than through talking. Perhaps it's the ability to correct my mistakes as I go along, or the desire to review what I've written before I finalize it. I think it's also the chance to make sure that I can say what I need to say without worrying being interrupted. In conversation, I have a tendency to let others dominate, but in writing, I get to "let it all out" on my own terms. I think this is one of the main reasons why I've always been one to write notes/emails/text messages when I have something to say rather than call someone on the phone or show up at their door.

With this new blog, my desire is to create a place to share my thoughts, and also to get into the habit of writing as often as I should. I'm hoping to gain enough regular readers that I can attract some advertisers. The more personal stuff will remain at the MySpace blog I've kept for almost 4 years now, accessible to friends and family.

So, welcome to the new blog! Take a look around, make yourself comfy, and tell me what you think.

A Wink and a Smile

Kissiversary

One-liners, gender, and other thoughts

Wednesday wanderings

It's been a while...

100

Quick, easy, yummy, and WW-friendly dinners

TMI Tuesday - 2/10/09

I'm back!

Clarification

Stuck, stuck, STUCK!

Creepy

Offline for a bit

Accomplishments

Is blogging dead?

In the New Year

Looking forward

Thinking about things

VOTE!

Dreams do come true

Inspiring... Beautiful.

Mmm... pasta. Mmm... pie.

Changing the game plan

Wednesday Mind Hump 10/15/08

Wednesday Mind Hump 10/08/08

Wednesday Mind Hump

Today's fortune

My poor, neglected blog

Contemplating the car-free lifestyle

Indiana Jones and the Ancient Mom

Headhouse Market, and other news

Moving on

The switch to digital

Fear

Be careful what you wish for

*Maggie screams like a 14-year-old*

It's happening!

Kisses, the Phillies, and my bod

I'm ready to trade in my 2008

Another day, another trip to the ER...

Crash!

Uninsured

Paris: Day 5, or "Au revoir, Paris!"

Paris: Day 4, or "Do you like sports?"

Paris: Day 3, or "I said I wanted to go to the top; I didn't say I wasn't scared!"

Paris: Day 1 & 2, or "I'm hungry, and it's chicken!"

Nine

Assorted, unrelated ramblings

Les gens sont des idiots

Cleared for takeoff

Obituary

My patriotic duty

Not quite as good as a tour, but...

Walking around my 'hood

My childhood, revisited...?

Post-Op

I'm alive :)

Offline for a bit

Blog for Choice Day

They took your life, they could not take your pride

Hooray for celebrity gossip

Joyeux anniversaire à moi!

More on Mindfulness

Wishes and Favorites

The Zen spaghetti sauce recipe

The Prince of Darkness!

I love when things like this just fall into your line of vision...

Zen and the art of spaghetti sauce

A few words on weight

Apolitical

How cool is this?

Lights, please?

The traditional holiday hyperventilation

Santa in the Age of Technology

Never mind...

Help!

'Tis the Season

Sicko

Blogging

Maggie screams like a 14-year-old