Saturday, January 31, 2009

Stuck, stuck, STUCK!

See how Flick freaks out when he realizes his tongue is stuck to the flagpole? Yeah, that's me right now. Stuck.

I hate my house. I hate this city, and particularly the area of the city where I currently reside. I hate my husband's job most of all.

And every time I take a step forward and try and better my situation, I find my tongue frozen to the flagpole. Can't move, can't change jobs, can't change anything, because we're stuck.

Or maybe it's my mindset that's stuck. Maybe I should just suck it up and deal with the fact that I will always live in a house I hate, in a neighborhood I hate, getting income from a source I hate. Maybe it's all just my own hang-ups and there's really no reason to be so miserable. Maybe it's just the SAD rearing its ugly head, as it tends to do at this time every year. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy -- after all, everyone's miserable, right?

The stench of inertia is slowly choking the life out of me.

Saturday, January 24, 2009


I try not to blog about religion too much, partly because I don't want to offend anyone, and partly because of the flurry of responses it will incite from those whose beliefs differ from my own. However, this incident bothered me so much that I just need to get it off my chest in a public forum.

My parents' vacation home was broken into recently. Nothing was taken, nothing was damaged, facts for which we are all grateful. From what the local police said, it just seemed to be a group of thrill-seeking kids.

Last weekend was the first time my mother had been to the house since the break-in, and she got more details about the incident, which she relayed to me over the phone a few nights ago. (Background for anyone who doesn't know -- I grew up in a "born-again", charismatic, fundamentalist church; while my mother no longer attends that particular church, she still subscribes to that belief system.)

The house is on a cul-de-sac along with two other houses, and all three had been broken into. My parents' neighbors both had things taken (electronics, cash), but nothing had been taken from my parents' house. The police reasoned that the thieves must have gotten "spooked" by something in my parents' house (although I suspect that it had more to do with the fact that my parents don't have many things of value in the house.)

Anyway, the point of all this -- my mom told me that on Sunday, she and my dad went to the church they attend when they're at the vacation house, and she was talking about the break-ins with a woman she knows. When she told her that both neighbors had had things taken but that nothing had been taken from their house, the woman said "well, we know whose house the favor of God was upon, don't we?"

Um, what?

That's one of the creepiest things I've ever heard one Christian say to another (and I heard a LOT of stuff like that in my almost 30 years in the church.) Seriously? God, who these people claim loves everyone and has control over everything, favors my parents, but not their neighbors, and so decided that my parents' neighbors should have to deal with petty theft and the emotional stress of having their property violated. Was it punishment? Trying to teach them a lesson? Just fucking around with them? Yeah, that sounds like a loving deity to me.

When I was a Christian, I heard all the time that we were supposed to be humble, not judge others, love your neighbor as yourself, etc. Then in the next breath, we heard about how we were a holy remnant, set apart for God's purposes, that other religions were wrong, that people in other churches were spiritually dead. Guess which message went down easier? Seeing oneself as superior to others is the character trait I notice *the* most in Christianity.

This is not meant to offend, or point fingers at anyone. I just found it so incredibly revolting that instead of compassion, the emotion this "Christian" woman felt towards the victims of a crime was self-righteous superiority. I'm sure I'll get messages and comments pointing out that this is just one woman, that not all Christians feel/act this way, that "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven!" That's fine, but the fact is, this is my experience of the Christian attitude more often than not. And why my mother chose to pass this along to me is difficult to fathom -- she knows I'm not a Christian, and that fact pains her, but she couldn't see beyond her own arrogant self-satisfaction to recognize that what she was saying could only serve to push me further away from her warped belief system, not back towards it (like, gee, I'd better go back to Christianity so none of my stuff gets taken if my house gets broken into!)

I have my own belief system. It's constantly evolving, as am I. Every life experience I have and every person I encounter helps to shape my outlook. It changes as I change. One thing I can say with absolute certainty will not change, however -- I will not and cannot believe in a God who favors anyone over anyone else. That's a human trait, not a divine one.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Offline for a bit

So once again I'll be failing to update this blog, but this time it's because I'm going to be without internet access for a bit. My computer bit the dust on Wednesday night. (I'm typing this on Becca's computer -- she was gracious enough to lend it to me for a few hours! Thanks again, Bec!) I'm hoping to be able to retrieve the data (essentially, my whole life is on that machine) and maybe even get it fixed, but it will at least be a few weeks until everything is up and running again.

Hope it's sooner rather than later!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


So far, so good on the New year's goals. I still haven't found a job -- who can, these days? -- but I'm not giving up hope, and I'm looking for ways to budget more efficiently in the meantime so that it at least feels like we have a bit of extra income. Fortunately, we only have three payments left on our car, so that will eliminate one of our biggest monthly bills. And I'm trying to reconcile my love of all things organic and locally-produced with my need to save money. I'm loving this site right now: Living on a Dime.

Matt and I just spent a very nice weekend in New York (travel is our biggest splurge, but we tried not to spend tooo much!), just being together sans enfant. We had some yummy food and saw a movie (Revolutionary Road -- it was pretty good), but otherwise just stayed in ;) And when we came home, we found out that his shift change went through -- so I finally have a hubby who's home with me at night, after twelve years of night shift! Yay!

I started cleaning my bedroom, which is a huge undertaking, but I'm making some definite progress. I filled 4 trashbags with clothes that are too big, which felt pretty good.

Now, if I could just make time to get some writing done...

Monday, January 5, 2009

Is blogging dead?

I keep reading that people aren't blogging like they used to, that Facebook has taken the place of blogging, that people are sick of reading bloggers' self-centered egocentric slop. Is it true? Is blogging dead? I know I haven't kept up with mine like I intend, but I still read others' blogs regularly (though I don't comment as much as I used to). I do notice that some people I read aren't posting as often, and many aren't posting at all.


Thursday, January 1, 2009

In the New Year

Some plans/goals for the new year. I hate to say "resolutions," because it sounds so definite... plans and goals are more of a "work in progress" sort of thing. Anyhow...

Spend a lot more time with Matt.

Find a part-time job that pays decently and doesn't suck.

Clean (and maintain cleanliness of) our bedroom.


Incorporate more structure into our homeschooling routine, and begin to prepare Jacob for the possibility of school.

Lose the last 38 lbs. I need to reach the goal weight I set for myself. (92 down, 38 to go!) At that time, consider whether or not Weight Watchers' suggested goal for me (another 39 lbs. below my own goal) is realistic and/or healthy.

Choose, on a daily basis, to use my WW points for more healthy protein and less sugar.

Finish writing something. This is my goal every damn year, and yet somehow... *sigh*.

That's it for now. I may add to this list as I see fit!