Zen and the art of spaghetti sauce

The past few weeks have been exceedingly stressful for me. My determination to enjoy the holidays no matter what notwithstanding, I've had to deal with not only the minor annoyances that the season always brings, but several things that have sent me reeling.

One of these events was taking my son to get evaluated for Non-verbal Learning Disorder (NLD), putting him through several weeks of testing, and then being told that the reason he displays these symptoms is not because he has a neurological disorder, but because I've done such a shitty job homeschooling him. Yeah -- his inability to write or tie his shoes, his tendency to take things literally, etc are, apparently, all my fault. And the cure, of course? Enroll him in the local public school.

If that doesn't make someone feel like a terrible parent, what will?

Then, of course, there was the negative pregnancy test, finding out I have to have surgery, not getting my father's Xmas gift until January 5th (a word of advice: NEVER order anything from PersonalizationMall.com!), and best of all, old addictive behaviors rearing their ugly head. If there was an award for failure, I think I would win it this year.

I could really use some inner peace.

I've been trying for a long time now to practice meditation, but I always wind up failing. My brain doesn't seem to be wired for it; I can't shut off my thoughts. I've read several books and websites to try and get some insight into the practice, but I always wind up frustrated... and then, of course, I quit trying, which isn't conducive to anything except feeling like a failure, yet again.

Then there's mindfulness, which is sort of a meditative state in which you completely focus on the present moment and the task at hand. I have to admit I'm not very good at this, either -- my mind races at about a billion miles per second and I tend not to experience things while they're happening because my mind is someplace else. However, I do have one task that I am able to do mindfully. Don't laugh -- it's making spaghetti sauce.

Making spaghetti sauce engages all my senses and allows my mind to quiet itself. As I peel and mince the garlic, open the cans of tomatoes, add the spices, I am able to be fully focused on what I'm doing. I don't know why spaghetti sauce does this for me, but I'm grateful that it does. (And I think it's probably not a coincidence that I make a pretty kick-ass sauce.)

Needless to say, I try and make spaghetti pretty often. I may not be a Zen master yet, I may be a terrible parent, I may still be a stressed-out spazz, but at least I have this...

;)

How cool is this?

You can watch "It's a Wonderful Life" in its entirety online at Google video (and now, at my blog! LOL).

Since I've been feeling a bit George Bailey-ish lately, and I missed seeing it on TV this year, here it is:

Lights, please?

Despite the fact that I know the Christmas story is just a fable, based on recycled solar mythology that was passed down for thousands of years before Jesus is said to have been born, this remains my absolute favorite holiday special, and this is still my favorite part:

The traditional holiday hyperventilation

Xmas is just 4 days away, and I'll never get everything done, and what's worse, the universe is conspiring against me to make my holidays miserable. Truly.

First, my pregnancy test on Monday come up a big fat negative. Then, of course, I spent a stupid amount of time wallowing in my misery and engaging in self-destructive behavior, which always has such wonderful consequences. Bleh.

Then yesterday, after finding the perfect tree, we came home only to find that we couldn't find the lights we usually put on it -- Matt and I have a thing about M&M's, because of our names, and we have these super-cute M&M lights that we always put on our tree. They weren't packed away with any of the other tree decorations. All we could find was these boring plain lights that don't even blink, and I *need* my tree lights to blink, dammit!

I have my dad for family pollyanna this year and I ordered him the coolest gifts, and was so proud that I had gotten my shopping done early. I placed the order on T-giving day for a set of personalized Irish Pub glasses, and everything else I got centered around an Irish Pub theme (a cookbook, mustard flavored with Guinness, etc). Because of the personalization, I expected to wait a while for the glasses, but by Wednesday of this week I had started to panic, so I called the company and they assured me that I would have them by Friday. Yeah. Right. I don't have any glasses, and I see my dad on Monday. WTF?!

So it would seem that even when I'm determined not to let the holidays get me down, I get screwed. So much for putting on a happy face! Bah humbug! Bring on the New Year!

'Tis the Season

I'll admit it: the past few years, I've been pretty grinchy. There are a lot of things about this season that annoy me. The crowded malls, the gaudy outdoor displays, the rampant materialism, the fundie-invented "War on Christmas" -- it's all taken a toll on me. But nothing has made this season as difficult as the fact that my grandmother, who loved this time of year more than any other, passed away just 15 days before Christmas in 2004. I miss her terribly. All our little traditions at this time of year, and helping her with preparations, especially as she got older, were things that I really looked forward to. And without her, the holiday feels empty.

But this year, I'm making an effort to really let myself enjoy the season. I've been listening to the all-holiday-music station on the radio, I've got some decorations up, and I'm even thinking about baking cookies. I suggested to my extended family that we do a polyanna among the adults this year, and everyone was enthusiastic about my idea, so fortunately we have less expenses this year. And I'm really looking forward to Christmas Eve at my sister's -- she's making a traditional Italian "seven fishes" dinner. I don't know much about the tradition, but I'm bringing mussels marinara! Yum!

So, in the spirit of allowing the little things to make me happy at this time of year, here's one of my favorite holiday tunes from the 80's. I'm planning on sharing a few more of my faves as the holiday season continues. Enjoy!