Monday, April 7, 2008

Fear

We finally got our car back today. It's all shiny and new-looking. But while riding home in it, instead of happy, I just felt scared.

I haven't driven at all since my accident on March 20. I didn't feel comfortable driving the rental car, and I was still shaken up from the accident. Every time we went out on the road, I felt my body bracing for impact.

I thought once I got my own car back, I might feel safer. But the rental was a biggol' SUV, and my car is a little Ford Focus station wagon. I'm much closer to the ground, and I feel even more vulnerable.

I've been in four car accidents in the past five and a half years. None of them have been major, but they've all been traumatizing, and three of the four left me with injuries that required physical therapy. This most recent accident was the worst of the four, and I'm pretty much in constant pain on my left side as a result. I'm going to the chiropractor three times a week, and it's helping, but very slowly. And I'm not allowed to box or do yoga, which just SUCKS.

I realize that I should be glad that my accidents have been minor -- Matt and I saw a car that was flipped onto its roof on Saturday night -- and I am grateful that I've been able to walk away from each of the accidents with minor injuries. But at the same time, I just feel like I don't even want to get in the car anymore, much less drive. I don't want to be in another accident.

I wish I could avoid being in moving vehicles altogether. Pathetic, huh? I know that fear is just a manifestation of the ego (been reading "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle -- great book, btw) but I really don't feel like it's unfounded or irrational to be afraid in this case. There are just too many idiots on the road... and I just know one of them is going to crash into me.

Bleh.

5 comments:

Rach said...

I need someone to examine my ego, then...

Anne said...

Shazam-a-ra-dazzle, poof!!!
There! I've just cast a safety spell on your vehicle and a no-fear spell on you.
Let me know how they work. In the meantime, I'm sending lots of hugs.
{{{{{{{Maggie}}}}}}}

Misty said...

getting back in the saddle is sometimes the worst. It's amazing, the ways in which we paralize ourselves...

hang in there, my friend!

Ty-Anna said...

(((Maggie))) it's going to take some time and take all you need...so many accidents in so few years, doesn't seem fair...

bloodthirsty~girl said...

fear is just something we all have to work through. don't feel bad about it, it's a natural reaction to trauma. i'd be more worried if you weren't afraid after having been in that many accidents. hang in there!